For years I was comfortable with whom I was.  I knew I had areas for personal growth, but I didn’t see them as a big problem.  I thought my personal issues were manageable.  My sins were small, my beliefs were solid and my habits were normal.

It was then that God began to push me into self awareness.  He used pain and depression to wake me up to my issues.  Like a flashing light on the dashboard of my life, I was aware that I wasn’t who I thought I was.  My new self-awareness shocked me.  Not because it was so bad but because I had been so unaware for so long.  So, with that God began to renovate my life.  He set me free from habits, false beliefs and sinful behaviors I had never really noticed.

How is Your Self Awareness?

There are three interesting things to know about self awareness.

1. Most people have little self-awareness and don’t realize it.
2. Everyone overestimates their level of self awareness.
3. Our self awareness tends to decrease as our position in work and life increases.

A study by organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich found that while 95% of people think they’re self-aware, only about 10–15% actually are.

Which leads us to a scary thought.  What if most of the time we are lying to ourselves about who we are and how we are doing?

Why we Struggle with Self Awareness

At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So, they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. Genesis 3:7

Why do we struggle with self awareness?  I believe that we are naturally unaware. The reason for this blindness is  our ongoing struggle with the “sin nature”.  That perverse self-centered focus that each of us is born with.  That part of us which fights against our desire to please God, seek the truth and be a blessing to others.  It is this sin nature that blinds us and keeps us comfortable in our mess.

Which is a real problem, because then “we don’t know what we don’t know“.  And we can’t choose to change when we don’t see any problems.

Plus, when others try to point these blind spots out, we have a second problem.  Denial.  And some defensiveness toward someone trying to help us.  Then we try excuses like this.

Excuse #1: I don’t have any issues.  They aren’t affecting me.  That’s just me.
Excuse #2: My issues aren’t that bad.  You should see other’s issues; those are really bad.
Excuse #3: My issues are different.  I can manage them.  I’m working on it, soon.
Excuse #4: I’m too old/too young/too busy/too tired/too comfortable to think about it right now.
Excuse #5: I tried to change once and it was too hard.  I don’t have the help I need.

Aren’t these excuses our way to avoid reality?  And aren’t we using them to avoid taking a risk, facing some discomfort or being accountable to others?

If all of this sounds like you (it certainly sounds like me), then let’s be honest with ourselves.  We will always have new issues and areas that God want us to grow in. 

The Benefits of Self Awareness

God wants to challenge us with self awareness because there are blessings He wants to share with us.

#1 Self awareness helps us make better Choices.

Like barnacles on the bottom of a ship, our negative habits, beliefs and behaviors slow us down, weigh us down while remaining hidden to us.  With self awareness we begin to realize how bad our decisions, beliefs and behaviors are for us.  We see that they have a cost that we don’t want to pay.  We know God is on our side in this.

#2 Self awareness helps us build better Relationships

When we understand our issues, we are more open to understanding other’s issues.  We have more empathy, and we are more willing to love others.  We are also more comfortable saying YES and NO, so we work to establish healthy boundaries with others.

But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. Matthew 23:12

#3 Self Awareness helps us develop more Humility

Humility is the key to personal growth. Without it we are unable to respond to the Holy Spirit.  Our spiritual growth is stunted, and our lives bear less fruit for God.  When we are humble, God can use us powerfully in his Kingdom.

One Caution about the Pursuit of Self Awareness

Focusing on self-awareness can occasionally lead us into another trap.   Don’t be the person who overfocuses on a self-improvement project and then spirals into obsessive behaviors.  When we obsessively do something to achieve a goal we will sacrifice our deepest relationships.   This is a classic symptom of “overcorrecting”.  It’s where we go from zero to 100 and run past the sweet spot where we thrive.  That’s why we need to be led by the Holy Spirit, who is never in a hurry.

The Shock of Self Awareness

The goal of increasing our self awareness is a good one.  But be aware that the effort will cause minor trauma for you.  How?

You will find it disorienting when you realize something new (and negative) about yourself.  There is a sense of shock because it is part of “what you didn’t know”.  And often your pride will be hurt.  So hang in there.  Let the new truth you’ve learned “marinate” in your spirit and keep asking God, “What should I do with this?“

Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants.  Matthew 13:7

Even when we are aware of needed change in ourselves, we can be sidetracked.  Jesus warned us in the Parable of the Sower that the growth in our lives might be “crowded” out by less important things.  So, avoid procrastination.

Essentials for Self Awareness

Here are four things we need to become more self aware.

#1 You need a close friend (or friends) who will be honest with you.  You need friends that offer honest feedback in a way that you will be likely to accept it.  Friends who will tell you to “stop doing that” and “start doing more of this.”  The type of friends who help you be accountable when you inevitably stumble at following through.

#2 You need to hear the Holy Spirit and respond to God’s word daily.  God’s word and the nudging of the Holy Spirit play a major role in your development of more self-awareness.  But not when you are busy.  You must slow down.  Sit quietly and let the Holy Spirit speak.  I find that the Holy Spirit will often focus me on a specific area that I’m not even aware of when I meditate.  So, give him that place in your life, too.

He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.  John 14:17

#3 You need a Spirit of Grace toward Yourself.  Life is a journey of successes and failures.  We never fully “arrive”.  We aren’t in a sprint, but a marathon.  Personal change will take patience and effort. (Read this again)

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.  Ephesians 4:2

#4 You need to die to your pride.  Pride isn’t subtle.  It holds us back while promising us freedom.  It strangles our relationships and sabotages our future.  So look for ways to be humble.  Accept feedback, take advice, ask for help, and admit areas of weakness.  It’s the only way to a powerful life walking with God.  And yes, it is hard to do.  But it is so worth it.

With marriage being the focus of this blog, let me end with this thought.

Often what annoys us most about our spouse also points to an area where we need more self awareness – Rob

Your spouse should be your closest friend and one of their roles is to help you in your self awareness.  That is why they will regularly point out something negative in your life.  And many times, they will highlight something negative without even meaning to do it.  Here’s how that happens.

The next time your spouse annoys you or angers you, ask these questions.  “Is my reaction to my spouse highlighting an area I need to grow in?  Is my reaction indicating a habit, belief or behavior that flows from my pride?”

It’s interesting that our spouse is a mirror even when they are not trying to be.  That’s why they are God’s greatest gift to us.

Relationship is the mirror in which you discover yourself. To be is to be related – Bruce Lee

9 Steps Toward Self Awareness

Here is a recap to keep you focused.

1. We really need to grow in self-awareness because we are all broken and prideful.
2. Our spouse is a full-length mirror and will often help us identify our lack of self awareness.
3. We also need good friends who can provide helpful feedback and accountability.
4. The Holy Spirit is working through everyone around us to get our attention.  Listen up!
5. Avoid the tendency to ignore good feedback with excuses.
6. Don’t overreact (anger, depression, obsessive behavior) to change but ask God for help.
7. Acknowledge and seek the voice of the Holy Spirit and God’s word for guidance.
8. Move forward and embrace grace when you find it harder to make changes than you thought.
9. Be diligent.  Let the process of change be the measuring line, not how quickly you achieve it.

Questions to Discuss with Yourself and Your Spouse

1. How open am I to finding out what I don’t know about myself?
2. What is something I’ve recently been confronted with but ignored or denied it?
3. What would the Holy Spirit and God’s word say to me about that issue?
4. Who is the best person to be my accountability partner once I decide change is needed?
5. How can I be a better friend to those around me who have blind spots?