It’s time to discuss the weirdness in marriage.  So I will start with my own.

Over the years Lou Ann has sent me to get things at the grocery store.  What she noticed was that I came back with the things on the list, and more.  In fact I would buy two things instead of the one.

It turns out that I have a fear of “not having enough” which shows in my purchasing history.

I’m not alone.  I have noticed something about Lou Ann.

She has this frugality about toothpaste.  She derives this strange pleasure seeing how long she can get more paste out of the tube after I officially declare the toothpaste is gone.  She will then grab the tube and brag to me how she is still using it for several weeks and how wasteful I am with toothpaste.  It’s weird but I’ve learned that there is no interfering with the challenge she derives from this.

And thankfully she is accommodating  of my buying habits as well.

Annoying Spousal Differences

Why is it that when we are first in love those differences, in our spouse, are so interesting and wonderful? But give any happy couple a little time and those same differences become more and more annoying.   Very annoying.

 

What attracts us to our spouse before marriage,

often begins to repel us, after marriage.  

Rob the Wise

The good news is that this weirdness and our differences are NORMAL.

Once, Lou Ann and I took the compatibility test on one of the dating sites to see if we were compatible.  The results were shocking.

We found out that we should never have dated or married…  The test indicated we were fully incompatible and apparently a disaster in the making!

Our Differences

So, back to the differences we all bring into our relationship.  Where do they come from?

Just consider how each of these, in the list below, affect our relationship.

Male/Female, Birth Order, Education, Talents, Interests, What we find humorous or disgusting, Experiences(memories, fears, hurts, Habits, Expectations, Strengths, Upbringing, Traditions, Personality, Beliefs, Emotions.

Just getting past gender differences is a great deal of work. Having a wife and two daughters, I remember the enormous satisfaction when the three of them realized that I wasn’t a unicorn but actually a normal guy who does normal guy “things”.  It just took 23 years until a son-in-law showed up.

Why did God make us so Different?

All of this brings up questions.

• Why God did you make us so different?
• Why were we attracted to each other in the first place?
• Didn’t God realize that marriage would be impossible/difficult with these differences?
• What was God thinking when He originally came up with the idea of marriage?

Let’s assume God had the fore-knowledge to know that you and your spouse would be different. Very different.   If so, then there must be something else He had planned for this situation.  For God never wastes anything but uses it to show his power and love.

Adding God into the Mix

When I  look at the story of the first marriage, in the book of Genesis, I see that there are not just two persons involved.  It included three: Adam, Eve and … God.

That means we should consciously include God in our marriage.  And see our differences differently.  Rather than just complaining about our spouse to others, we need to take a step back.

What if God is using our differences to highlight his creativity, our brokenness and our lack of understanding?

Maybe God is up to something that makes both of us more like Jesus.  Because only God can be the grease and glue that can successfully fits two very different people together for life.

It is His ongoing work that builds intimacy in the marriage by rounding off the rough edges, sanding the splinters off and trimming everything nicely.  Sort of like a carpenter?

For this to happen we need real faith.  The faith to believe that God is able to take two imperfect, fearful, self-centered individuals who are divided by a thousand things and do a miracle!

Is an Intimate Marriage a Miracle?

So, does a great marriage require a real miracle?

I think so because the differences between most couples are so great and their natural selfishness so common.

But this is not the kind of miracle that instantaneously turns water into wine.

It is a gradual miracle that turns lust into love, selfishness into sharing, criticism into acceptance, rules into more grace, inflexibility into flexibility, my good into our good, my needs into our needs, my future into our future.   It is the work of the Holy Spirit that turns us away from ourselves and toward another person so that daily we become more of an “US”.

This miracle is illustrated clearly in 1 Corinthians 12:12-20 where the Apostle Paul talks about the “body of Christ”.  There he uses the human body to illustrate how the many differences in our human bodies add strength and capability.  They unite rather than divide.

The Value of Differences

Paul highlights the value of differences in the church and how they accomplish God’s purposes.

And this applies also to marriage.  In fact, I’ve often considered this question.

If we were both just alike, wouldn’t one of us be unnecessary?

We choose daily whether to let our differences divide or unite us in intimacy.

– Rob

The differences that we bring into our marriage are the raw materials that will either divide or unite us.  It will all depend on how we view them and then work together, with the Holy Spirit, to find peace and joy.

Some differences need to be celebrated, others accepted and some that we should consider changing.  And you can figure these out together, in love.

Now it’s your turn.  Discuss the questions below and decide how to move forward.  And keep God in the middle of the discussion so He can work in both of you.

Questions:

• What are several of our obvious differences?
• Which of these differences could make us stronger together?
• How am I handling these differences in love?
• Which differences cause regular friction in our relationship and how do we make them an asset?