Shame is one of the most powerful and painful human emotions we can experience. As someone who has struggled with shame, I want to share what I've seen and learned through it.
Here is what we know about SHAME from various studies done on it.
- About 20% of adults experience shame occasionally.
- Women experience shame more often than men.
- Younger people experience it more often than older people.
- Over 60% of those surveyed believe social media increases the shame we experience.
- It is a contributor to depression, anxiety, suicide, self-harm and body image issues.
- Many cultures are built on shame.
What's a good way to understand shame? One of the best ways is to see how differently many of us process sin, failure and mistakes.
First, Understanding Guilt
Guilt and shame are related but different.
Most of us make mistakes (or sin) and feel guilty about it. We feel or know that we've done something wrong against others or against our values. So we feel guilty and often feel a need to resolve that guilt.
Guilt is not a fun emotion but it can be a good emotion to experience. Why? Because it puts pressure on us to reconcile with others, seek God's forgiveness, ask for help, admit our sinfulness, and seek to grow.
With guilt, we know we made a mistake and as Christians we also recognize we are still loved by God in spite of it. Guilt does not change our standing with God's love.
Guilt and the Gospel
Guilt is also part of the gospel story. Jesus died a sacrificial death to make us "forgive-able" before his Father. We were guilty beyond what we realized.
Yet Jesus chose to substitute his sinlessness for our sinfulness. He died that we might live in relationship with the Father. It was the "great exchange" that Paul speaks of in Romans.
After salvation, we will still continue to stumble and sin, but now we find that the indwelling Holy Spirit is working in us. We find sinful behaviors less appealing and we find that the lies that have controlled us are being replaced with God's word of truth.
This all starts when we feel guilt. That's why I see guilt as a positive motivator to move forward and find hope in God.
Jesus said, "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.
John 9:41 NIV
Understanding Shame
What about shame? How does it differ from guilt?
Guilt says "I did something bad.". Shame says "I did something bad because I am BAD."
Shame, like guilt, occurs when we say or do something sinful. Shame sees our sin as a sign of our value as a human being. Shame says we shouldn't be forgiven but punished. Shame says we are unworthy of forgiveness. It tells us that we deserve to be rejected and despised. We must be punished. There is no way to be cleansed of this mistake because we ARE the mistake.
There is pride in our shame. When I say "I determine when I am forgiven", I am taking the place of God. We see that in those who believe they have committed the "unforgiveable sin" mentioned in Matthew 12:32. No matter what scriptures you provide, they find great purpose in being the one person that God cannot forgive. It seems that being guilty of the unpardonable sin makes them feel special in a negative way and brings them more attention than if they just repented and pursued godliness.
To summarize, guilt says "I did something wrong. I need forgiveness and I can change.". Shame says "I did something wrong and I am trapped as an unredeemable person."
Just Stop feeling Shame
We all agree that we would like to never experience shame again. We know that shame is not good for our relationship with God. It can still torment us at times just like any other temptation because it has roots in our lives.
So why do some of us experience shame regularly and others only occasionally? From my experience, it arises early in life when we experience deep emotional pain and start to believe a lie.
Imagine growing up in a situation where you felt rejected, unappreciated, unimportant or worthless. People treated you as unworthy of their time or love. Maybe you experienced "conditional" love where you were loved only when you meet certain standards. Or maybe your parents said (or implied) that "It would have been better if you'd never been born" or "You can't please me or meet my standards".
In such cases, where you are a child it gets complicated. You are unprepared for handling things maturely. Your concept of right/wrong and your own value is still developing. So you depend on others to learn your value and purpose in life.
This situation makes you think that something is wrong with you. You wonder if you are unworthy of being loved. You even think you are a "problem". Or maybe that you don't matter and aren't important to those you look up to.
This is how a sinful world embeds lies into our lives. It uses our hurts and confusion plus the lies of Satan to tempt us to accept a lie and to believe we are unworthy and unnecessary.
Even if you don't regularly struggle with shame you have likely experienced embarrassment. It's a mild form of shame but it has an impact on you. That's why we tend to remember moments of embarrassment very clearly for years afterward.
Shame Lives in Lies
Shame is based on allowing lies to govern our beliefs and actions. All lies come from Satan who is the Father of Lies. The lie of shame tells us we are, at our deepest level, flawed, unworthy and unredeemable, but that's not God's truth.
In every lie, there is a bit of truth to make it believable. The truth is that all humans ARE sinful and prone to do wrong things. Yet the lie of shame leaves out God's immeasurable love for us personally. God made us individually to fellowship with him. His love and acceptance cannot be stopped by our sinful behavior.
That's why Christians have a built-in coach. When we confess Jesus as Lord and Savior, God sends the Holy Spirit to lead us through our sins and failures to be more like Jesus each day. Just as a coach knows our weaknesses and tendencies to make mistakes, the Holy Spirit know how to shape us to be more like Jesus. Day by day.
Affects of Shame on Our Marriage
If you struggle with shame, it will affect your marriage. So it's important for both spouses to be alert to these challenges.
- Rather than focusing on reconciliation and repentance in your marriage, shame will focus you on yourself and your unworthiness.
- When you need understanding the most, shame will tempt you to hide or withdraw from your spouse.
- Shame and its feelings of unworthiness will make you defensive and self-protective rather than open to help.
- Though you want to be emotionally intimate with your spouse, you struggle with a fear of rejection.
- You will want to earn your spouse's acceptance but struggle to really experience it.
Jesus calls us to resist shame because it does not glorify God and His love.
So, if you experience regular shame, let Jesus set you free from its power. If you don't struggle with regular shame, be that friend and spouse who is encouraging to those who are still seeking freedom. They need your empathy and love.
Questions About Shame
How often do I struggle with thoughts of shame?
What are some examples of when I've felt shame?
How has shame affected your marriage relationship?
What are some steps you need to take to resist regular feelings of shame?
How does shame hold me back from being used by God?
1 Corinthians 6:11 But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
Romans 5:5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
2 Timothy 1:12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.
So good, Rob. This is an excellent reminder to be thankful for forgiveness and for the hope that we have that we are truly forgiven by God. The biggest challenge is to accept His forgiveness and to walk forward without shame. What a relief.
Thanks for these great articles.