What if We Have a Struggling Marriage?

Marriage Intimacy can be a daunting subject for struggling marriages.

While we don’t know your exact situation, we meet many couples have reached a place where their marriage is filled with distrust, anger and both spouses are feeling a sense of hopelessness.

We want to speak to those couples, who are in this place, with some words of hope and encouragement.

You are not the Only Couple

First, your marital situation is not unique.   Struggling marriages are very common.  Yet most of us think our situation is the only one.

As much as you think it so, don’t believe the lie that “no one has had a bad marriage like this“.  You are not the only one with this set of issues.  There are thousands of couples who have struggled with the same issues and seen things improve.

But believing your situation is the only one will keep you from moving forward.  Again, you and your spouse are not alone in facing these issues.  Others have faced them and found a fresh intimacy and purpose in their marriage.  And so can you.

Examples of Struggling Marriages

To prove it, here are some struggling marriages we’ve worked with.  These marriages have seen healing.

• One or both have recently confessed or been exposed in an affair.
• They have been separated for over a year or one has moved out.
• It’s literally been several years since they have had sexual relations with each other.
• One of them has filed for divorce and both are ready to move forward.
• One of them has been depressed for years and the other is worn out, ready to leave the marriage.
• One or both have poured their lives into their work, hobbies or children and they are living as roommates.
• Both have had major conflict even to the point that the police have had to intervene.
• One or both have struggled with chronic addictions to gambling, drugs, alcohol, sexual immorality, gaming, physical exercise, workaholism, overeating, shopping, theft, or porn.
• One has had an emotional affair or is involved in one right now.
• One spouse had an unconfessed one-night stand in the past.

Exceptions I need to Mention

Some marriages have a darker side that I need to mention. If you are in a marriage where your relationship is based on abusive behavior, language or treatment, then you need to seek professional help now.  This might mean speaking to a pastor or counselor or doctor to get their opinion.

Why?  Because if your spouse is controlling you financially, spiritually, physically, or emotionally (such as where you are cut off from friends or family against your will), then you need third-party help.  The same applies if one or both of you are having suicidal thoughts or fear of violence.  And if you are aren’t sure but still wonder about it, seek help anyway.  It is better to be safe than sorry.

Even if your spouse and you are Christians and belong to a church, there may be abuse.  Often scripture is used to justify such abuse.  But God, who is the very definition of love, will never bless a marriage relationship based on abusive and unloving behaviors.  God designed marriage as a relationship between two freely committed adults who respect and love each other, not a place for fear or mistreatment.

If this exception does not apply, then let’s continue with discussing struggling marriages.

Binary Thinking

In many troubled marriages, we tend to think we have only two choices.  Stay or leave.  This is called “binary thinking” and it’s common to use this when we are under stress.  It is part of our fight or flight reaction designed to protect us from immediate danger.  However, you are not in such a situation if you have a struggling marriage so don’t let it control you.  There are always other choices for us to consider, but we may not see them now.  But you will need biblical counsel or God’s word to clear the fog and help you can make a choice to move forward to a stronger marriage.

Abandoning the relationship or staying stuck is rarely the right choice.  If we are running from the relationship, we never learn how to grow relationally.  And if we just do nothing we are only hurting ourselves and others for no purpose.  In relationships, we are usually moving forward with intimacy or falling into deeper isolation.  But many of us want to convince ourselves that we are doing ok but we need to be honest with ourselves.

God loves us and has given you the power of choice.  He wants your marriage to thrive, soo get all of the options on the table and then make a decision.

Seek out Help, It won’t Come to You

The next thing to know is that there is help available regardless of your situation.  If you are a member of a church, reach out to the marriage ministry for resources.  If your church has no such thing, find a large local church on the internet and contact their marriage staff person to discuss.  They may meet with you or recommend good resources.  Follow-up on their suggestions, don’t quit.

If you are not a member of a church, you can still reach out to a local church and they can provide recommendations.  Believe me, they are regularly working with couples who struggle in marriage and they won’t be surprised by your contacting them.

Avoid Believing these Common Lies

• It doesn’t matter if we get help for our marriage, nothing will change.
• We can’t afford to get help for our marriage.
• No one will believe how bad our marriage is.
• If we seek help, it will only make things worse.
• If we get marriage help it will just cover over the real issues.
• My spouse won’t work on the marriage, so why go.
• It will be better if we just break the marriage up.
• God can’t fix our marriage, it is hopeless.

Remember God’s Power for Those Who Cry Out

It is always good to remember that God is involved in your marriage from the beginning.  He designed marriage and He wants to see your marriage thrive.  When things are broken, He will help you get healing.  Just think of the times when things seemed hopeless but God came through for others.

• Moses and the Hebrews trapped on the shore of the Red Sea with the Egyptian army marching toward them.
• David facing a 9 foot tall Goliath with nothing but his sling and five stones.
• Peter locked in prison, with shackles, awaiting his execution in the morning.
• Paul and Silas falsely charged, beaten and thrown into a cell for healing a demonized slave girl.
• Joseph rejected by his brothers and sold as a slave into a foreign society.
• Peter after realizing that he had betrayed Jesus despite believing he would never do so.

In each of these situations, God provided a way out despite overwhelming odds.  And God does it every day in marriages that are struggling.
God loves impossible situations where He can show his love and power.   It is only in impossible situations, that it is abundantly clear that God is the one doing it.  So let Him help you.

If you still have doubts, go to www.reengage.org and watch the many stories from ordinary couples who found their selves in a struggling marriage.

Resources You Should Consider

Here are some of the marriage resources that God has used to heal us and our marriage.

• Book – The Power of a Praying Couple– by Stormie Omartian – Amazon
• Book – His Needs, Her Needs – Willard F. Harley Jr. – Amazon
• Book – Love and Respect – Emerson Eggerichs – Website
• Book – Boundaries in Marriage – Cloud/Townsend
• 12 Step Group – Celebrate Recovery – In many larger churches – www.celebraterecovery.com
• 12 Step Group – Re:Generation – In many larger churches – www.regenerationrecovery.org
• Married Couple Group – ReEngage – In many churches – www.reengage.org
• Read some of our other Blog Posts and apply them

Obviously this list is not exhaustive but our hope is that it will help you get started in finding life change.  With that in mind there is one more concept I want to leave you with.

Be The Change

In struggling marriages, including ours, there is a common tendency to:

1. Place most of the blame for the marriage issues on our spouse
2. Expect our spouse to make the greater effort
3. Not move forward until our spouse makes a move or joins us

These approaches don’t always work.  Which is why most struggling marriages get worse and eventually lead to divorce or separation.

The reason these approaches don’t work is that they are the opposite of what God’s word teaches us to do.

• He wants us to stop judging others (including our spouse) (Matthew 7:1-5).
• He wants us to take the plank out of our eye first (Matthew 7:3-5).
• He wants us to take the initiative to heal relationships (Matthew 18:15)
• He wants us to learn the power of forgiveness (Matthew 18:21-35).
• He wants us to experience peace (John 14:27)
• And He wants us to trust Him, not our spouse, to find restoration of the relationship (Proverbs 3:5-6).

In ReEngage, they repeat this following statement over and over.  And it works powerfully.  “Draw a circle around yourself and then work on everything in that circle!“.

The reason this works is that in life, the only thing we can truly control is our response to situations.   We ultimately can’t change our spouse, but God can.  So we do the only sensible thing.  We decide to accept this truth and start the process realizing that as we work on ourselves it will create change to the relationship.

This may not be what you wanted to hear but it has made a difference in thousands of marriages where one spouse acted on it.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and don’t lean on your own understanding.  Acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6