Are we regularly Sharing Information or Building Intimacy?

Using questions for marriage intimacy is a skill we could all use.  But often we have reasons why it won’t help us.

Maybe we feel lazy or think it doesn’t matter  Maybe we think we’ve been married so long that we know everything about our spouse.  Or we feel we are too busy to sit down and really interact with each other.  But often it is because we don’t know how to create good questions that draw us closer together.

When we don’t ask good questions, then we tend to share only information.  Lots of information.  Information like this.

What time will you be home?  What’s for dinner?  When is the soccer game?  Did you pay the water bill?  Why is the dog heaving on the carpet?  Who let the snake out of the aquarium?

These informational conversations are necessary, but they don’t help us build intimacy.  Whether it’s a friend, kid or your spouse, you can learn to build intimacy with better questions.  Because the truth is that people are more interesting if we can give them a great question.  But we must make the effort to learn how and then apply it.  So how do we have more intimate conversations and fewer informational conversations?

I’ve found that it starts with insightful questions and basic interaction skills.  So, if you would like to learn how to ask these types of questions, I can give you an easy way to start.

When you go for a walk in the neighborhood or drive by a house, what do you really see?  Usually you see nothing special about it.  Maybe it needs some painting or the trees need trimming or the grass needs mowing.  It’s nothing you are excited about, right?

But what if I told you that inside was an illegal drug lab or someone creating a new invention that will soon change the world?  Or maybe a couple just found out they are having a baby?  Or one of the children was diagnosed with cancer?  Or they just lost a job?  Or they found out they are going to move to Tahiti?  Now that’s different.  Suddenly the house is interesting and you are curious or concerned.  You even mention it to your friends.

What we learn from this is that when you know what’s going on inside the house, or inside your spouse, it becomes much more meaningful.  It goes from boring to interesting.  And that’s where the right questions help us.  So where do you start?

How to Catch a Question

You may be hoping that I just give you a list of “good” questions.  That would be easy.  You just print them out and read from the list.  But if you create the question and it’s interesting and thought-provoking, that would be even better.

So I want to show you how to create really great questions that you can come up with, on your own.  Because there is an amazing benefit to this skill, which I haven’t shared yet.

Here it is.  If you develop powerful and creative questions for your spouse, then you could do the same thing at work or at a social gathering or while shopping.  It’s the old “I can give you a fish or I can teach you to fish” approach.

One great question could get you a better deal on a purchase, a new job offer, a new friend, a great suggestion, or just help the time go by faster while you wait.  Once you know “how”, then a good question can be a powerful tool you can use everywhere in life.  Questions for your spouse.  For the person at the counter.  The person in the elevator.  Your in-laws.  Your teenagers who don’t want to talk.  The person in line behind you.  And even your doctor.

“Be a good listener, and “ask questions the other person will enjoy answering.”  These are the recommendations that famous sales trainer Dale Carnegie suggested in his 1936 classic “How to Win Friends and Influence People“.  More than 80 years later, most people still fail to heed Carnegie’s sage advice.

But not you, you are learning about it now.

Building a Good Intimacy Question

So let’s learn the basics of coming up with a great question so you can become a world-class conversationalist but understanding nine guidelines.

• The first is that the question can’t be embarrassing, accusing or inappropriate for the relationship.  So avoid questions like “How much do you actually weigh?”.
• Next, use and open-ended question to encourage a good response.  No questions with a YES or NO answer.  Not, “Having a good day?”, but “What’s been good about your day?”.
• And it needs to be easily understood and focused.  Don’t give the other person a mountain to climb.  Just something they can respond to without a lot of mental gymnastics.
• Plus make sure it’s something you would like to know about, so you don’t sound artificial or manipulative.  You are there to learn something.
• Then try to avoid the use of “why” in your question and instead start with a “what” question.  “Why” can sound like an accusation or a put-down so be careful with it.
• It always works best if the question is related to the person’s life or their current situation.
• And if you get a short or unsatisfactory answer.  Pause.  Say “Tell me about it” or maybe ask a gentle “Why” question.
• Then shut up and listen.  No opinions.  No taking over the conversation.  No disagreeing with their answer.  No put-downs.  Just make them the focus.
• Finally, make it your goal to find out something new about the person or help better understand them.  If you do it right, you will naturally want to ask further questions to learn more.

To summarize, good questions should be appropriate, open-ended, specific, easy, “what”, and relevant.  Then you should listen, follow-up and learn.

Most of these guidelines are commonsense but I often find myself not following them.  So don’t expect perfection.  Just be genuinely curious and listen by trying these ideas.

• Ask about their toughest, best, worst, last, first, easiest, favorite, least favorite, most, least thing.
• Ask about their goals, dreams, former dreams, or future.
• Ask about their relatives, worries, interests, memories, fears, hopes, strengths or feelings.
• Ask what they like, prefer or most dislike about something.

This should be enough to get you going in the right direction.  So, start small and build up your skill in this area.  Practice with anyone you meet by asking creative questions and listening more.  And let me know in the comments if you have that serendipity moment where the unexpectedly good thing happens!