Games in Marriage

Have you played “Pursuit” in your marriage?  Not familiar with it?

This is not the same as pursuing your spouse in a healthy way.  Instead it stresses the marriage and it is a game that couples play without realizing it.

We often play “games” with each other and become so accustomed to them we don’t even notice.  These Marital Games are repetitive behaviors in our relationship where we let our sin and dysfunction negatively impact us.  The result of these “games” is always a continual low-level of of friction and lowered intimacy.  But often we think they are normal and fun, when they are not.

It reminds me of the game of Monopoly^tm .  You know.  Where you always seem to land on your spouse’s properties as your circle the board.  Which have a hotel on them.  Which costs you a lot of rent and makes you hate your turn?  I

I call this the “Pursuit Game”.  I’ve done it.  Lou Ann has done it.  And we have found it to be unsatisfying.  So how does it work?

The players in this game take on two roles.  The “Pursued” and the “Pursuer” (or the Pursuer and the Distancer).

1. The Pursuer wants more conversation but the Pursued is not interested or shares superficially.
2. The Pursuer want to do something different but the Pursued isn’t going for it and they stick to their routine.
3. The Pursuer wants to recapture the love and affection they once had but the Pursued is content with the way things are.
4. The Pursuer wants more adventure but the Pursued is pursuing their routine and safety.
5. The Pursuer feels that time is slipping by but the Pursued is caught up in their cause or career.
6. The Pursuer desires to clean out the junk but the Pursued is not ready yet because “everything is fine”.
7. The Pursuer wants to travel but the Pursued is happy being at home.
8. The Pursuer wants to find new ways to serve but the Pursued is unsure if they want to be that involved.
9. The Pursuer is depressed but the Pursued is oblivious to the emotions of others and downplays the issue.
10. The Pursuer decides it’s now time to work on the marriage but the Pursued is done with the marriage and ready to get out.

In each case, we see a a relational disconnect between the couple.  One is wanting some type of change and the other is either content with the status quo or avoiding something.  One or both could be acting selfishly but neither are making the effort to speak the truth in love.

The Pursued player may say or think things like this:

1. We don’t have the money/time.
2. I think you are making a mountain over a molehill.
3. We tried that before.
4. Fine, you can do that if you want but leave me out.
5. Why do you always have to disrupt things?
6. Why are you nagging me about this?
7. For years I’ve done X, now it’s time for me to do Y.
8. I am the way I am, so you need to deal with it.
9. We are fine, what’s the big deal?
10. Maybe next year, but not now.

Unchecked, the “Pursuit Game” will lead to sad consequences.  The most obvious consequence is divorce.

Outcomes of This Game

I’ve seen many marriages end with one spouse giving up on ever seeing meaningful change from the other.  The crisis point comes when the Pursuer decides to refocus on a new life without their spouse.  Ironically the formerly Pursued spouse often has a wake-up call at this point.  They are in sudden panic and they can switch roles.  Now the resistant person is the Pursuer as they attempt to put the marriage back together.  Yet many times this fails to work.  And the marriage ends.

Ironically, the former Pursued/Distancer has gotten what they said they wanted.  They are alone and have all of the time they need to do what they originally wanted.  But it is sad for everyone around them and for the couple themselves

But sometimes a miracle occurs.  The Pursuer doesn’t walk away.  Instead they respond with hope and they both get the help they need to move forward (i.e. re|engage).

There is another outcome that is equally sad.

It is the marital relationship where the Pursuer gives up, stays in the marriage the Pursued spouse continues their avoidance.  They couple has now become room mates.  They live separate lives with separate friends and separate interests.  They are passive toward each other and often justify the situation by claiming that “we are both happy”.

But is that true.  Sure they are married may look like a solid couple but neither is engaged at this point.  They provide a “happy” face to family and friends but secretly they are dead on the inside.  Their intimacy is close to zero and they rarely fight because “nothing matters”.  Instead they carve out their separate worlds of work, family, friends, hobbies and rituals.  When you see these couples at restaurants you notice several things.  They have limited conversations and only share information.  They stare past each other a lot.  There is no light in their eyes or smiles on their faces.  They look bored and boring.  Their relationship is a series of transactions with no emotion.

Of course, the “Pursuit Game” isn’t limited to these consequences.  There is the option for the Pursued player to lovingly open the door to discussing the topic.  And the Pursuer can choose to be more loving in their approach.  Even better, the couple could get some outside counsel where they share their situation and choose to take good advice.  And those couples are the ones who experience the life and intimacy God offers to couples in marriage.

But first they must get tired of playing the game.

Questions to Consider

Here are some questions to discuss together.

1.Where is this game being played in our marriage?  (usually multiple places)

2. Who is the Pursuer and who is the Pursued in each case?

3. In which case are you stuck?  Who could you discuss this situation with and get good counsel?

Still curious, here’s an article to read further.