Recently I was reminded of a popular quote about, happiness in marriage, from author, Gary Thomas.  Maybe you've read or heard it?

What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?

I love this quote. It is catchy and can be convicting.  It reminds us that God's is always working in and through our marriage relationship.  

Finding Truth in a Quote

But like many things repeated over and over, the quote can be interpreted in ways that Gary never intended.  And he has acknowledged this and clarified that he never meant the quote as many people use it.  So let's consider several wrong ways we might interpret this quote.

• Happiness or Holiness. You get your choice in marriage. Focusing on happiness in marriage is missing the point because your happiness isn't important.  So focus on holiness for now.
• Great marriages focus on holiness instead of frivolous stuff like happiness which is fleeting and part of your sin nature.  Don't be shallow, choose holiness.
• This week has been a great one for growing in holiness.  Unfortunately, we haven't spoken since Monday night.  But our prayer life is very vibrant.

Gary Thomas would laugh at these responses and then have us sit down for a quick discussion. But he's busy so let's apply God's word to find the truth in applying his quote.

Does Holiness Matter?

First. Does God want me to be holy in my marriage?

Most of us would say, "Of course He does!". And that seems to be true based on these scriptures.

Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we fear God.

2 Corinthians 7:1

God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways.

1st Thess. 4:3-5

Plus, as we grow in holiness there are benefits!  Couples living in holy matrimony enjoy more satisfaction, peace, humility, transparency and love.  And yes, there are statistics to back this up.

So, where does Happiness fit in Marriage?

Second. Does God want me to be happy in my marriage? 

Again there are several possible answers to consider.

• Happiness is so superficial and clearly it is something that ungodly and shallow people pursue, not saints like us.
• Happiness is part of living by the Spirit where we find it and joy as we walk faithfully before God.
• No spouse can make you happy, so toughen up and adjust your expectations to reality.

Let's tackle these answers with God's word.

Is Happiness in marriage superficial?

There are many Christians that see happiness and the pursuit of happiness (see U.S. Declaration of Independence) as worldly and unspiritual.  But when I look in the scripture I see many instances where God treats happiness as something important.  As you read these scriptures, do you see God saying or implying "Don't you start getting happy on me!"?

For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Romans 14:17

The hopes of the godly result in happiness, but the expectations of the wicked come to nothing.

Proverbs 10:28

“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

Matthew 25:23

Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil.

Ecclesiastes 9:9  (Yes, Solomon wasn't a great model for a Christian, but God left his writings in the Bible, so don't blame me if he says something very wise.)

Happiness is part of a Christian's Joy

You probably noticed I put a reference to JOY in the above scriptures.  And while there are some differences between JOY and HAPPINESS, I haven't met anyone who thinks that joyful people are unhappy people. Have you?

So, when we find lots of verses about joy in the New Testament (333 in the NLT) we should understand that in marriage, God wants us to find happiness.  The same happiness we can find by being involved in a church, living on mission or keeping our lives holy.

But clearly happiness can be superficial at times.  Our moods, when we last ate and how others are treating us can impact our happiness.

While joy is a deeper and richer emotion.  John 15:11 It includes happiness (and contentment) because it comes from God.  Galatians 5:22   Joy shows up when we are content/happy despite our circumstances because we know our Father is in control. Which means we all have a choice in our response to God's gift of joy.  The choice to be happy or not.

I love what Scott Hubbard recently said about joy and happiness. He points us to Luke 15:11-32, where we read the parable of the Prodigal Son.  The three main characters are the Father who loves both sons, the Older Son who is unhappy but obedient and the Younger Son who wanders and eventually repents.

There are at least two ways to please the devil when it comes to the pursuit of holiness.  The first way, of course, is to run from holiness altogether — to flee, with the prodigal, to the far country of this world, away from the Father’s home.  The second way, perhaps even more dangerous than the first, is to pursue holiness (or what we imagine holiness to be), and yet not be happy about it.

To summarize, I see that happiness and holiness are both important to God.  And we need both of them to experience a full relationship with God (and our spouse).  Not just one or the other.

So go forth and be happy (with joy) in your marriage.  Just remember to keep it holy, ok?

Let's Get Wholly Happy!

• How could pursuing holiness in your marriage improve your happiness?
• How could choosing happiness improve your holiness in marriage?
• How are you seeking both happiness and holiness in your marriage?