What is Marriage Intimacy?
This is an important question if we are to make marriage intimacy a goal of our marriage. How we define this term “Marriage Intimacy” will impact every interaction we have. So where is a good definition?
Perhaps the best place to start is in the beginning. Before the weddings, before people even knew what sinful behavior was, before it was messed up. By looking at the first couple. Adam and Eve.
In the Beginning
That means heading to the story in Genesis, which contains more information than we realize. And you don’t have to be religious or even believe it actually happened to see the value of what it describes.
Genesis 2:20-25
“But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
23 The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
What can we learn from this text written about 3,000 years ago? What does it tell us about marriage intimacy?
12 Things We Can Learn from Adam and Eve
Here is my list of 12 things I see in these verses:
- Adam apparently thinks he is a poet or budding song-writer.
- Adam faced a problem he was unaware of.
- The problem was that Adam is incomplete without another person.
- Adam needs companionship and a human relationship outside of his relationship with God.
- Eve was the perfect solution.
- Eve wasn’t separate but part of Adam from the beginning.
- Adam was impressed with Eve and very happy to know her.
- God arranged this whole process without Adam’s help.
- Couples in a permanent relationship are joined by God in a mystical union called “one flesh”.
- Marriage is about leaving behind our family, making our marriage intimacy primary.
- Clothing wasn’t necessary for the relationship.
- Fear, shame and all of its pain didn’t exist in their relationship, yet.
It’s a great start, but what follows in this story of the first couple, is tragic. Tragic, because it is a story of separation. From God. From each other. And you can read it yourself, because we are jumping ahead now to the outcome.
Back to the Reality of Marriage Today
Which leads us to what we face every day in our marriage.
Genesis 3:6-8
“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.”
This is the picture “after” Adam and Eve decided they would be like God. It isn’t pretty. The eyes of both of them were opened. Now they had the knowledge of good and evil. And with it they had the unpleasant experiences of fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and even new desires like “hiding”. It’s clear that this new knowledge they thought they wanted, was coming with some hidden costs.
And if you keep reading, you will find Adam and Eve quickly turn to excusing their actions and then descend into blaming each other for their situation. Which sounds a lot like my daily life!
So here we see clearly the two states of marriage being contrasted. The initial perfect setting of beauty, trust, love, value, appreciation, and transparency. Followed by the opposite, which most of us know well.
If I were to summarize, I would say Adam and Eve went from deep intimacy, where they were known and safe to living in fear of being known and feeling unsafe.
In the new world, they were now competitors, careful about what they revealed, hiding emotions, thoughts, and their beliefs. Unsure of how their spouse would respond.
Which reflects what I see in myself and find in my marriage. Two opposite desires.
- The primal need to be known, loved, accepted, valued and cared for by another human being.
- The fear of being hurt, exposed, humiliated, misunderstood, rejected or shamed by that same human being.
And Marriage Intimacy is …
So, this is the answer I see to the question, “what is marriage intimacy?”
Marriage Intimacy is the ongoing pursuit of knowing my spouse and communicating love, acceptance, value and care toward them regardless of their response. And at the same time, gradually lowering my fears of my spouse and how they might respond so I can be fully known by them.
Or in an even shorter form, “Being in a marriage where I’m comfortable being fully known, loved, accepted and cared for, while my spouse experiences the same from me.”
It’s a scary thought that this high goal exists for marriage. Which makes you wonder what God is up to by giving us something that is seemingly impossible?
Where Do We Go Now?
This “marriage intimacy” all sounds great, but every great thing comes with a cost. We can all see that this “marriage intimacy” thing is a goal, an objective because it doesn’t yet fully exist in our marriage relationship. And getting there will take some time, because it is not easy.
Now that we’ve gotten this far, we are still left with new questions about marriage intimacy.
Like “how do I do this?”, “why should I even attempt this?”, “is this even possible considering our marriage history?”, “Don’t we need some independence too?“, and “what’s in it for me/us if we achieve this marriage intimacy?”.
All reasonable questions. But we can only handle so much of this topic, at one time. So let’s take a break and tackle these questions in our other posts that zero in on answers!