One of the most common reasons that couples have conflict is that they are frustrated that their spouse is so different from them. And there is even a cause for divorce called “Incompatibility”.
And that brings me to something I see in every marriage, whether it is thriving or dying. It is that couples are naturally incompatible from the start of the relationship. And ironically that might be why we often find our spouse so fascinating at the beginning of the relationship. So here are some ways most couples are incompatible.
Sexes are different.
I remember my daughter calling me years ago to tell me the strangest thing she had observed that day. Apparently my young grandson had spontaneously decided to pee on the fence rather than come inside and use the bathroom.
While she was surprised at his behavior and noted that she would never have done that, I wasn’t. I replied, “Well, get used to that because boys are very different than girls in some areas!” Growing up in a household with only a sister hadn’t prepared her for the behaviors of a young boy.
In our marriages we are daily confronted with how different our bodies work, how circumstances affect us, how we grow and rest and age. But what is most surprising is that God, the designer, came up with this idea.
You are both are very different because of your sex and it might make you feel like you have incompatibility in marriage.
Families are different.
What’s normal for us, is what we have experienced in life. Everything else seems weird.
That’s why your spouse and their family seem weird at times. It’s not necessarily them, but you.
Maybe they play only card games, recycle their floss, eat weird foods, only take vacations at the beach or have large argumentative discussions. All things that your family would never do. You are not in the twilight zone, you’ve just encountered another reality.
Your families are very different which means how you grew up is different and you see clearly you have incompatibility in marriage.
Personalities are different.
It doesn’t take much to see that God has designed human beings to have many different personalities and perspectives.
I like to believe that it is part of His creative imagination running wild. Rather than robotic beings with similar feelings He has instead created a race of humans who show all the aspects of His glory.
Hopefully your spouse has a much different personality than you. That is good because it will challenge you to grow and adapt, rather than living your “normal” way.
Your personalities are very different and that will always create incompatibility in marriage.
Our Sinfulness is different.
What tempts one of us doesn’t even affect the other. Once we get to know the Real Us, we find that we each have chronic sins we struggle with and they are rarely the same.
Which makes it easy for us to quickly judge each other. But isn’t judging your spouse, some type of sin? Yep.
Our sinfulness and the temptations we fall for are very different which highlights incompatibility in marriage.
Here’s the Irony of our Incompatibility in Marriage
We were probably attracted to our spouse because of differences that now seem so irritating and unreasonable. What once attracted us, now repels us.
That cute shy guy who now wants to live like a hermit. That dramatic girl with the outgoing personality who seems more like a drama queen now. That caring and sensitive guy who is now busy caring for his family and relatives every weekend. That sweet girl who loves animals who is looking more and more like the “cat lady”. That outdoorsy guy you met who is always leaving on another adventure that you won’t go on. That brilliant girl who could master any subject who is now always working late to finish one more thing. And that funny guy who had such good humor seems to be on auto-repeat and you wish he would stop.
We are all like this. In fact, my spouse and I once took a compatibility test and failed. We were not a good match. Except that we were married for over 40 years in real life and really liked each other. A lot. Except when we annoyed each other.
I am always surprised about how consistent we are in choosing our spouses. It is rare to see to very similar people who are married. Usually they are some combination of these descriptions.
Shy/bold, adventurous/secure, extrovert/introvert, risk taker/protector, short/tall, driven/laid back, early bird/night owl, compulsive/relaxed, saver/spender, talker/silent type, spontaneous/planner, emotional/stoic, leader/supporter, relaxed/energetic, or organized/messy.
These differences are great. Some will rarely change but others will because it seems the longer we are married, the more willing we are to be self-aware. Which allows us to acknowledge areas in life we need to change and seeing how we might not be as “balanced” as we once thought. So we take a humility pill and start adopting our partners strengths.
Which brings us back to God. For it seems that these differences are part of God’s creativeness (and some unresolved childhood trauma and those lies we like to tell ourselves). But regardless, we are married and yet at the core of our being we find ourselves with incompatibility. But we have a choice.
And God knew this, right? He isn’t surprised that one of you is a night owl and the other likes getting up at 5 am is He? So given our incompatibility how do we learn to “appreciate” our differences and grow our marriage intimacy?
Making Peace with Our Differences
Our best choice is to pursue the relationship, discuss, adapt, see the strengths of our differences and thank God that He will use them to make us more like Jesus (if we survive…). And when the differences are harming us, we get help to find some common ground.
And the rule we apply when differences continually frustrate us?
Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.
Hebrews 12:14
- Realize that differences are common in every marriage.
- Examine our heart and acknowledge our “weird” behaviors also exist.
- Consider what standards I am using in this situation, as I judge my spouse. Are they personal standards or biblical?
- Can I think of any strengths this “difference” offers to the relationship?
- Determine what the root issue is that creates the frustration for me.
- If this doesn’t change, what is the outcome I am concerned about.
- Determine what I would like the situation to be in the future.
- In a spirit of humility, take your thoughts and discuss the issue with your spouse.
- If there is no tangible progress after a reasonable period of time, agree to meet with others for counsel.
- Keep loving each other in the relationship.
Acceptance in Marriage extends to Others
Interestingly, couples who adapt to their differences have a greater capacity to accept others in their families, co-workers and friends. There are few barriers to being friends with them. They love more freely. Judge others less. Understand that others can be frustrating but still find things that are loveable about them, at the same time.
They have an enlarged perspective that sees differences, differently. They look for the value, the strength and the creative work of God in each person, without focusing just on externals. Sure they encourage healthy and positive change but they also realize some differences make us stronger and healthier too.
Because the same God that created the myriad of plants and animals is working the same in humans by making us all different. And our best choice is to love our spouse like Jesus did and then pray that one of us will change.
Our differences
don’t separate us,
our selfishness
does.
– Rob
Discuss these Questions
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What are five differences we have noticed about ourselves?
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What are two differences that have made our lives together stronger as we have accepted them?
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When we consider what attracted us, what are several differences we see?
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What do we need to discuss that still frustrates us and limits our intimacy?
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