Designed for Intimacy
As humans, created in the image of God, we are designed for intimacy. First with God and then with our spouse. So, where do we start with building intimacy? We could focus on spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, recreational intimacy, intellectual intimacy or functional intimacy. But focusing on too many things is not practical for us. So where do we narrow things down and get a good start?
Foundations of Intimacy
My suggestion is to recognize and work on the foundations of marriage intimacy. If we know the foundations, then we can apply them to any area of intimacy, right? So let’s look at the foundations necessary for your marriage intimacy to flourish. I’ve broken them down into six foundational areas.
Commitment. Communication. Trust. Respect. Shared Purpose. Conflict Management.
Commitment
Commitment is the first level of foundation that we need to establish. Even though we might have made marriage vows of commitment, we still may find ourselves questioning our spouse’s commitment to the marriage. This is especially true when we have regular conflict and use hurtful words and actions that make us question “Is my spouse still committed to the marriage?”.
Consider our relationship with God. Some of us feel very committed to God and others don’t, or wonder if it makes sense. No one becomes a good friend with God unless they have made a commitment to pursue him in a relationship. Yet He is committed to us first.
For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost. Luke 19:10
Yet, God’s commitment to us (and all His people) is clearly demonstrated in that He is pursuing a relationship with us. He is committed, regardless of our response.
It is the same in marriage. When we are both committed to the marriage, desiring to find solutions to our challenges then we can focus on the other foundational areas more fully. If we aren’t committed, it is a form of dishonesty to not communicate that to our spouse. Only then can we mutual address the issues that are weakening our commitment.
Commitment is the first foundation of marital intimacy and frees us to unreservedly pursue investing in our marriage relationship.
Communication
Every growing relationship is based on regular communication. And not just any communication, but the kind that includes our wants, desires, feelings, values, goals, hopes, fears, etc. And we see this clearly in God communicating a desire for relationship with us.
Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. Revelation 3:20
Like God we desire to communicate with others but struggle to communicate well. We say things that are misunderstood. We say things we don’t really mean. We don’t say things we should say. And we say things we shouldn’t. And that is normal for human beings even when they’ve been married for almost 50 years (just saying).
Developing strong communication isn’t easy for several reasons.
One reason is that intimate communication requires giving and receiving. Sort of like a tennis game. And if one person serves all the time or doesn’t return the ball then the game stops. So we need to learn how to speak up and also shut up to communicate well.
Another reason is that what we hear isn’t just what our spouse says, but what they say after it passes through our filters. We don’t even realize it but it happens. all the time. In intimate communication we usually reveal things about ourselves. Painful things, private things, secret things, unsure things, exciting things, boring things, new things, and old things. And when we reveal things, we expose ourselves to being hurt depending on how our spouse responds (or doesn’t respond) as we apply our filters.
Even if our spouse is not intending to, their response or comments may be interpreted by our filters as hurtful. And our natural response is to pull back and communicate less. But that approach only sabotages opportunities for more communication. And that’s why we must learn recognize how our filters work and share that with our spouse.
We should work hard at communicating often, communicating meaningfully, communicating effectively, and communicating respectfully.
Communication is the next foundation of marriage intimacy because it allows us to share ourselves more fully.
Trust
Trust is built on top of commitment and communication. Trust is when we believe that our partner is acting and thinking in such a way as to maximize our joint interests and benefits in the relationship rather than just focusing on their own. It’s believing that even when they stumble at it, they have good intentions and we should give them the benefit of the doubt.
Just as in our relationship with God, trust is essential for us to share intimacy.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
This shows that trust flows both ways. This means that trust isn’t just something our spouse needs to build, but also something we need to cultivate toward them. A word picture would be two persons, standing on different sides of a large river as they both sink piers to erect a bridge that will meet somewhere in the middle. Each builds from their side independently with the goal of meeting together and experiencing closeness.
But trust is tricky. Many of us struggle to trust others because of life experiences. We want intimacy but we also let fear and doubt creep in. That’s why we must communicate fully our fears and doubts to our spouse, so that we don’t sabotage our trust.
Trust is is another foundation of marriage intimacy because it allows us to be vulnerable to and accepting of our spouse.
Respect
Most of us struggle to feel respected. That’s because respect indicates value and we all fear being devalued. It’s the same In marriage, where respect is recognizing the value of our spouse and and adjusting our responses to them so they know it. So what does that look like?
Because we value our spouse’s presence, opinions, knowledge, talents, beliefs, emotions and position, we give them the highest respect of any person in our lives. And this should be the way it is, given that we saw so much value in our spouse, that we committed to a lifelong relationship. Or to say it another way, we should respect our spouse because we valued them higher than any other person.
And this respect shouldn’t depend on our mood. Or what our spouse has done for us lately. Or what they might have said that hurt our feelings. Or what the sins and weaknesses they struggle with.
God shows respect for us by giving us free will and telling us to respect others in return.
Respect everyone, and love the family of believers. Fear God, and respect the king. 1st Peter 2:17
But we often treat our spouse with less respect than we would our neighbors or the cashier at a store. We have let our familiarity with our spouse, affect the value they hold in our lives.
The saying “Familiarity breeds contempt” is true. The more we know about someone, like our spouse, the more we see their supposed flaws. And when we compare them to others, whose flaws are hidden, the worse our spouse looks. Plus we justify our own flaws so they don’t usually measure up to us either.
So respect is a gift. It is not earned. It is given. And for the sake of our marriage, we must express respect often and sincerely to our spouse. So start with expressing appreciation for things you see in your spouse, as a first step. And realize that your respect for them will be returned in their respect for you.
Respect is a key foundation of marriage intimacy because it helps us keep loving boundaries.
Shared Purpose
In life, it is our dreams and goals that keep us growing in the present as we work toward the future. If we want to be more healthy, we set specific goals for exercise, diet and treatment. We don’t just hope our way to health.
In the same way, it’s important to have shared purpose and meaning in our marriage. Whether it is a goal, a purpose or a dream, it will power us through the ups and downs of daily life.
Without shared meaning, we will live as roommates. We will pursue our own dreams and plans while excluding our spouse. We will isolate and only communicate when necessary. And we will never experience intimacy or the joy it can bring.
God demonstrates the value of shared purpose in His relationship with us.
Even before He made the world, God loves us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. Ephesians 1:4
This same shared meaning adds value to your marriage relationship by encouraging teamwork rather than competition. It motivates our normally selfish selves to be helpful, encouraging and caring.
In the military, they have the concept of “No man left behind”. The same principle applies in marriage where we started together in a marriage ceremony and we will continue together until “death do us part”. For if God is engaged in our marriage, then He must have purposes for it, even if we aren’t clear on what they are.
Shared Purpose is valuable foundation of marriage intimacy because it keeps us focused on what what God designed our marriage for and which is also best for both of us.
Conflict Management
With any intimate relationship, our differences will become more apparent. Especially in marriage! And a natural progression is that our differences often lead to conflict.
So it’s not a question of always avoiding conflict, but in learning how to have healthy conflict that doesn’t damage the foundations of our marriage intimacy. Because every conflict teaches us something about ourselves and our spouse. In fact, conflict has a powerful purpose in marriage which we can learn to leverage.
But some of us are afraid of conflict. We fear it will destroy our marriage. And it could if we just avoided it and didn’t learn how to direct it to improve our intimacy. And that’s why learning to manage our conflict is a powerful skill to develop so that conflict is brief and helpful.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Matthew 5:9
This means we must avoid the common problem of letting our conflict get to the point where it might:
- Weaken our Commitment
- Limit our good Communication
- Break or reduce our Trust
- Lower our Respect for each other
- Make us doubt our Shared Purpose
And that’s why we should make it a priority to develop foundational conflict management skills in our marriage that work for us.
Conflict Management skills are a critical foundation of marriage intimacy because they transform our differences into strengths.
Questions to Consider
- What do you think of these foundations for marriage intimacy?
- What other foundations would you add?
- Which foundation would you consider the easiest to achieve?
- Which foundation of marriage intimacy do you find the most difficult?
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