There are at least five things your Marriage cannot do for you. Yet I find myself still hoping and expecting them in mine. Understanding the Five Things Your Marriage Cannot Do will improve your communication and help you focus on building a stronger relationship.

These five can keep us in limbo for years and ultimately stunt our growth. Though you will be tempted to read through them quickly, I encourage you to pause on each one and ask yourself, “Where is this impacting my relationship with my spouse?”

This pause is necessary because we live in a fast-paced world.  Speed is valued over depth.  So, we miss the things that can help us the most.

These five things are not easily visible.  We will find them in our actions and reactions to our spouse.  They are hidden expectations. We must see the symptom they cause if we are to recognize them.

Don’t just read this list of five things marriage cannot do, discuss them with your spouse.  And don’t skip over the links I’ve provided. They offer some great insight into this topic.

Here are the Five Things Your Marriage Cannot Do!

#1 Make me Happy

We all want to be happy.  And marriages can bring lots of happiness. In fact, married couples are normally happier than single people. Gallup’s global surveys consistently show that married couples report higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction.  But recognize that individual marriages can differ based on how invested the couples are, in each other.

But let’s be honest.  We still choose when to be happy and when not to be happy in many situations. That’s why people in many poorer nations report higher happiness than those who are wealthy in the United States.

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
– Abraham Lincoln

So, own your happiness.  And don’t blame your unhappiness on your spouse

If you can figure out how to choose happiness in your marriage daily, and stop sweating the small stuff,
it will take ten years off of your life!
Fawn Weaver

Here are some truth statements to help you combat the assumption that “My Spouse (and marriage) should make me Happy”.

1. 1. Happiness is a choice I make despite my circumstances
   2. We all find ourselves unhappy at times and that’s not unusual or bad.
   3. Pursuing happiness, as a goal, only makes it more elusive. (like a pot of gold in a rainbow)
   4. No one can make me happy if I choose not to be.
   5. Circumstances influence but don’t control my happiness.
   6. Happiness is more a skill I need to develop than a feeling I experience.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

# 2 Meet my Emotional Needs

My heart is a desire factory and every day it is producing bad ones that have to be killed — “put to death what is earthly” (Colossians 3:5). – John Piper

No one can fulfill many of our needs or wants, but we keep hoping they will!  We need reminding because we can fall back into this false idea. When that happens, we become that spouse who demands our spouse fulfill our every need and then blame them when they can’t possibly do so. Much like happiness, we need to sort through our “needs” with the thought that many are more preferences or wishes.  Those that are truly needs can always be met in biblical ways through godly relationships.

Let your spouse know your needs and wants, then have a discussion about them. Be prepared to trim your list and consider how willing you are to meet their needs and wants as well.

#3 Fix my Hurts, Habits and Hangups

Many of us, including me, came into marriage with deep hurts, chronic habits and strange hangups.  We hoped that marriage to our spouse would solve our deeper issues in life.  Our insecurity. Our anger. Our lack of purpose. Our loneliness.  Our lack of motivation.  Our bad habits.  Our sin patterns.

But most of these “issues” are those we need to tackle with or without marriage.  Though our spouse can be a good sounding-board and encouragement, it’s up to us to own our issues.

Invite your spouse into your world but get help from your church and others.  I often recommend Celebrate Recovery, ReGeneration and re|engage for believers.  There are dozens of other recovery groups that support us finding freedom from sin patterns and addictions.

#4 Provide a Life of Romance

Most romance novels are based on idealizing romance and that’s why they are so popular.  It seems that women typically seek romance and there should be a healthy amount of romance in marriages of any age.

Marriage in this broken world comes with struggles, stress and boredom at times.  We need to be proactive in our communication and pursue romance as a couple.

Start with a list of things you both consider as romantic and sexy.  Be creative with your plans. Husbands should take the lead in this by planning regular romantic times.  Wives should provide good ideas for sex. Both should be focused on building their romance and sexual satisfaction.

#4 Reduce the Conflict in my Life

It’s strange that some couples believe marriage should be conflict-free. This is so common that when these same couples have conflict they assume there is some fatal flaw in their relationship.

The truth is that conflict in marriage is normal. Healthy marriages have two adults with differing opinions which inevitably leads to some level of disagreement.  This makes conflict resolution skills a priority.  Fortunately there are resources to help pursue conflict resolution using biblical principles.  But like many things in life, conflict resolution is also a skill.

Yes, there are marriages that advertise “we never have conflict”, but they are usually the ones that need the most counseling. They may be hiding issues of denial, control, and fear.  These marriages may also stifle open expression because they don’t offer loving acceptance of differing viewpoints. Seek peaceful and respectful resolution, but don’t fear conflict.

Remember this funny thought: “If a couple always agrees on everything, one of them is probably unnecessary!”

However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.  1 Corinthians 7:28b

#5 Fulfill all my Sexual Desires

Marriage is designed to meet godly sexual needs.  Yet our desires can exceed what marriage was designed for. This is especially true when we regularly view sexual content on the internet. We see it and then we normalize it, wondering why we don’t see it in our marriage. Our spouse cannot be expected to meet our every sexual desire when this happens.  Once our sexual desires become sinful and selfish, we need to do a self-check and get help.

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband,
and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time
so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

The important thing is for couples to clearly understand their differing sexual needs and lovingly support each other.  That requires discussing true needs without embarrassment,getting godly counsel and finding mutual solutions.  This can be hard but give it a try. God is on your side.

What else can Marriage not do for you?

I’ve only highlighted a few items that I’ve noticed.  Let me know in your comments other things you once believed Marriage could do for you but now realize were just fantasies.

“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” — Barbara De Angel

As you consider these five things your marriage cannot do, discuss these questions with your spouse.

1. 1. Were any of these beliefs ones that you have had about marriage in the past?
   2. How is one of these expectations affecting your marriage today?
   3. After discussion, what are some positive next steps to take?