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Relationships can be challenging when we find we have “emotional landmines” in our lives.

These emotional landmines are common. They develop from negative experiences in our life.  Many of them start in our early years.

Emotional Landmines can be found in areas of our life where we are overly sensitive. Areas where we are quick to take offense.

Emotional landmines aren’t  just in our story, they are common to all humans.

Emotional Landmines and Our Relationships

In the book of Genesis, we read about Adam and Eve creating relational problems.  It all started when they determined that God was not trustworthy.  So they felt they needed to solve that problem without His help.

But as we know from the story, they only made things worse.

We see that same struggle in ourselves when we experience various hurts, negative habits, and false beliefs in our lives.  When that happens, we try to solve the problem with our own wisdom.  And most of the time, it doesn’t solve the problems, it only covers them up or makes them worse.

False beliefs are one of the reasons we make things worse.  Adam and Eve falsely believed that God was keeping them from beauty, wisdom and knowledge.  So they disobeyed his only negative command.

We also have false beliefs that influence our emotions and relationships. Yet our false beliefs are hard for us to see.

This is because false beliefs are true, in part. If we examine them we see that they consist of both truth and error.  That’s why they are so powerful to to believe and hard to shake.

False Beliefs We Struggle With

Here are common false beliefs, that I’ve experienced in my life.

1. I am not worth it (abandoned, low value, unworthy, unlovable).
2. I don’t belong here (don’t fit, don’t measure up, need to leave).
3. I’m not enough (good, smart, capable, perfect, strong, resilient).
4. I cannot change (too late, too damaged, too hopeless).

Each of these has an element of truth until we add God into the picture and acknowledge our dependence on him.

I must be honest.  As I wrote this list, I experienced feelings of sadness in me. They were reminders of times when I’ve been hyper focused on one or more of them. Those were times when I would spiral into deep negativity.  With God’s grace I’ve begun the journey of replacing them with God’s truth.

So let’s look at how “emotional landmines” appear in our lives.

How to Recognize Emotional Landmines

We can most often recognize landmines by our reactions to others who step on them.  Landmines show up:

• When we react to a situation with strong anger.
• When we suddenly become very defensive.
• When we have strong feelings of anxiety about something.

The common theme to someone stepping on our emotional landmines is that we have a reaction which is quick and out of proportion to the situation we are in.  We go from calm to emotional in only a moment.

We may overlook this response when it happens but others still notice the difference. They often feel awkward or surprised since it doesn’t make sense to them. That’s because for you there is something “buried there” that is unique to you.

Justifying Emotional Landmines

I’ve noticed that we are usually comfortable with our emotional landmines.  We prefer to excuse them rather than taking them seriously.  That’s why we say things like this when they appear.

• I was tired when I reacted, don’t read anything in to it
• I was already feeling stressed but that was a one time event.
• My anxiety was really high at that time so that was the reason.
• I’m fine, it was what they said that matters.
• That was weird and I’m not sure why I reacted like that.
• I can’t believe they did/said that but my I think my response was appropriate.

We usually want to cover these landmines with a “Nothing to see here.  Let’s keep moving.” excuse.  But are we being honest with ourselves?  And why did we react so strongly both this time and in similar situations?

Let’s start with one clear fact about ourselves.  Our strong emotions always reveal what is really going on inside.  Those emotions are our most sincere response to a situation.  Why?  Because they are unfiltered and raw and we don’t  have time to “clean them up” and make them look nice.  So, we should start by admitting there was more going on inside of us.

The Cost of Emotional Landmines

There are really good reasons why you (and I) should take the time to identify our Emotional Landmines.

• Every emotional landmine gives someone power over our emotions because they determine when I am upset.
• Innocent people are harmed when someone steps on one of my emotional landmines.
• Setting off an emotional landmine creates lots of unnecessary drama in our lives and relationships.
• Emotional landmines are built on false beliefs which are toxic to healthy and godly living.
• Emotional landmines only get worse over time, not better. They become more powerful and controlling.

Acknowledging our Landmines

When I began to realize that I had emotional landmines I could see the explosions by not why.  I had questions like this.

• Where are the landmines I’ve placed in my life?
• How many landmines are there?
• How will I ever find them?
• How do I remove them so I’m free?

Those questions were answered over several years.  Here’s what I learned.

Exploring our Landmines

Unlike the real world, there are no signs indicating “Minefield ahead, be careful!”.  But just as a real landmine leaves evidence, we find our landmines by talking with those who have experienced ours.

We start by getting input from our spouse and friends.  They know us best and will be most likely to notice these strong reactions we have had.  Reactions that don’t make sense to them.

A common reaction is anger, which will manifest in several ways.  You will recognize these as the classic example of “fight or flight” response.

We will choose one of these forms of anger.  A strong emotional outburst pushing back at the situation.  An attempt to withdraw from the situation.  Or by becoming very defensive.

Depending on our personality, we might combine one or more of these in the situation. And others will be surprised at what just happened.

To get the best about possible landmines, use questions like this.

• Where do you occasionally see me react to others/a situation in a way that seems out of proportion? 
• What was a situation where I suddenly became angry, tried to withdraw or became very defensive?”

Give them time to think about it. The closer the relationship the better they will remember.  But this is where it gets challenging.

You must let them tell you where they saw this behavior and you must listen, without arguing with the answer they provide.  You will likely have a good reason to disagree. That’s normal, but is not helpful.  Reacting to their answer only shuts them down and limits your understanding.  So just listen, then ask insightful questions like these.

• When did you see  this last happen?
• How often do you see it happen?
• What did you notice about me when it happened?
• What surprised you about my reaction?
• What did you think was going on in that situation?
• How did it make you feel?

 

The Fear Lurking Beneath the Landmine

Landmines have a root emotion attached to them.  And that emotion is type of Fear because all of us struggle with fears.

The most common fears are:

• Fear of rejection or abandonment
• Fear of criticism or disrespect
• Fear of being controlled or trapped or damaged
• Fear of being devalued, unheard or misunderstood
• Fear of being out of control or weak
• Fear of being exposed or embarrassed
• Fear of being betrayed or blamed or accused

Now is your chance to be an amateur forensic scientist.  Identify which of these fears might be at play in your Landmine? Then grab a sheet of paper and write your thoughts down.

Every Landmine has a Start Date

This seems obvious but the reason I mention it is that if we can find the start date, we can learn more about this landmine.

You will often have a vivid memory that recalls when a landmine was planted. That memory will include a negative experience where you felt hurt, vulnerable, powerless, unloved, worthless, or scared.

At that moment you faced a choice with your negative experience. A choice that most of us do without thinking.  It is the choice to cry out to God about my pain or take charge by making a vow.

A vow?  Yes, we are prone to make promises to ourselves when we are in a bind. And that promise is a vow which is a powerful statement to ourselves.

Your vow might have been a verbal statement or a subconscious decision.  Either way, it was a promise  you made to yourself, as you reacted to how you felt at that moment.

My vows sounded like this. See if you recognize them in yourself.

• I will never (fill in the blank) again.
• No one will ever (fill in the blank) to me again.
• I cannot and will not let anyone know (fill in the blank) about me or my life.
• I will only (fill in the blank) from now on.
• I will not ever try (fill in the blank) again.
• I won’t show the emotion of (fill in the blank) again.
• I must always be (fill in the blank).
• I will always (fill in the blank) so I won’t be hurt again.

Did you notice the common words in these vows?  “Won’t ever, again, will not, cannot, will only, will always”?  These are power statements about us wanting to be in control.

These are vows and they are powerful. So powerful they will impact us for years.  Even when we don’t consciously remember them, our subconscious does. And they are part of our landmines.

In a good way, each of our vows is a desire to avoid future pain.  That’s a reasonable desire. But the problem is that a vow doesn’t resolve the real issue, it only pushes the problem down the road to come up later as a bigger problem which I call the “landmine”.

Our Traumatic Events in Life

Each of us has faced traumatic events when we weren’t prepared for them. They might be the loss of a loved one, physical mistreatment, emotional manipulation, betrayal, being abandoned, or being embarrassed.

When that happened we felt a mix of emotions.  It probably included anger and fear.  But the underlying sense was that we were powerless and things were out of our control. That was the first response.

Then many of us also questioned if God was there and if He cared. We wondered if he was punishing us or ignoring us. These were tormenting thoughts which didn’t originate from God.

That was when we made the vow and a landmine was planted.

But there was another alternative at that moment. We could have cried out to God and submitted to Him rather than trying to take control. But we usually don’t do that because we trust ourselves more than God. And though we thought we were doing the right thing, we cut ourselves off from God’s insight, comfort and healing.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Romans 8:28

So, ask yourself, “What is a time in your life or a memory that might explain where this landmine was planted?”

Don’t rush this answer.  Ask God for insight and wait for Him to speak to you.  It might be a week or a month but He will answer you.  When He does you will have a moment of clarity about this.  Then write it down.

Restoring the Damage

Real landmines only explode once and then they lose their power.  But not emotional landmines.

Emotional landmines explode multiple times.

Each time someone says or does something over my landmine, I react and create damage in myself and the others who were there. But we can stop that from happening over and over again.

Our emotional landmines can be defused.  But we must allow God to work this time.  You need to let God heal that part of your life and restore any damaged relationships.

That will be a process where you take several steps.  Admitting your sin, being willing to repent, trusting God’s ways, offering forgiveness to others and pursuing reconciliation.

Imagine what you might do, in real life, if you were sent to repair a place where a landmine had exploded.  You would likely examine the crater left by the explosion, remove any debris, fill in the hole, and replant vegetation..  Your goal would be for it to be beautiful place of peace rather than destruction. This is the same thing you should do in your own life.

To help with this process here is a PDF to guide you.  Download it and fill it in. Pray and ask God for help. Discuss your thoughts with those you trust. Let them give you feedback. And don’t give up.

Recognize God is working with you to heal an area of your life because of His love for you.  He wants you to experience an abundant life emotionally, not just physically and spiritually.  He wants you to be a “safe” person for others and he want you to live in peace.

Remember what Jesus said:

The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.
John 10:10

Final Comments

If you are consistent at identifying and removing emotional landmines, you will find your relationships improving. You will have fewer emotional outbursts. You will be more compassionate with yourself. You will want to continue the process so that you are fully free. And God will give you more joy.

Remember, the goal of this effort is to bring God’s grace and peace into more areas of your life. It is not to add guilt to your life. Nor is it to make you more self-focused, find new people to blame, or stay stuck. So don’t get sidetracked.

It is then that you will find yourself being a living example of a “peacemaker” because you are bringing God’s peace into your life.

God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.
Matthew 5:9

So remember that God is for you.  He wants you to be whole and he offers healing.

Let me end with this insight.  It speaks of the healing we all need inside so that we can be children of God.

Remember the story in the Bible about the lame man being lowered through a ceiling by his friends?  He was powerless. Other’s helped him there. They wanted to see him healed.

As he was lowered down, Jesus stopped speaking to the crowd.  He turned toward the man and his four friends.

Jesus could have said many things to this man.  So, listen closely to what Jesus identified as this man’s primary need. It was something others couldn’t see but Jesus knew the man needed it.

When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the man, “Friend, your sins are forgiven.”
Luke 5:20