Truth can be a rare commodity in marriage.  And I'm part of the problem.

Sure, I like to think of myself as being a truthful person.  But am I really? No, not when I really consider my recent actions.

Recently I did something stupid and covered it up by justifying it to my spouse. I made it seem like I had planned to do what I did for a reason. But it wasn't true. And I made up the excuse because I was embarrassed to admit the truth.

My reasoning was that it "didn't matter". But was that true? No.

If I had admitted it, then my ego would have been tamped down a bit. My pride would have been reduced a bit. But I didn't admit it and never received these helps. But now I'm forced to do something about it since I'm admitting it here.

But I'm not alone. Each of us is regularly tempted to shade the truth, lie or stay silent.

The Dilemma of Truth

What we can learn from my experience is that Truth has a personal cost for each of us. We cannot be consistently truthful without it affecting our reputation, pride or self image. And for many of us that's deeply scary.

It's common to want to hide something unsavory about ourselves. A mistake, a temptation, our pride, a poor choice, a stupid purchase, a hidden desire, a betrayal, a wicked thought or a guilty fantasy.

We know these might affect our marriage relationship, so we hide them. If our spouse found out, it would require effort to resolve the damage to the relationship (or our pride). So we come up with with an excuse, a lie, or a dodge.  But it doesn't ever end there. 

Because we have hidden or minimized what we did, there is no opportunity to correct the underlying issue. So it happens again. Plus it is worse like next time.  And we take more risks. Like bank robbers, we continue the behavior until we get so cocky that we are exposed.

The result is that eventually someone, usually our spouse, notices.  And this time of reckoning is worse than if we had "nipped it in the bud" days, months or weeks ago.

We see this is in the news all the time. Think about the couple caught at the Coldplay concert.  All their secrets disappeared in a moment when they showed up on the jumbotron. 

So what did you think when you heard about this? You probably had the standard response. "Boy, were they stupid to think the wouldn't get caught, but who would have imagined it would happen like that?". 

Yet we too have that same attitude at times.

What we don't recognize is that this wasn't the first time that couple had cheated. They had done the same thing before and didn't get caught then.  So they did it again (and again) until they were caught.

We have the same delusion, even if our "sins" are seemingly small in our own eyes.

Knowing this pattern in ourselves and that our issues will eventually catch up with us, then we should ask "Is sacrificing the truth, worth it in marriage?"  

And what does it mean for those of us who say we follow Jesus, who is the Way, the Truth and the Life?  Scripture is clear on the error of lying to each other.  And it doesn't divide lying into good and bad lying which we like to do.  

So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. Ephesians 4:25

 Truth Dies in Many Marriages

Marriages are one of the many places where the truth is often optional. Some of us grew up in families that shoved things "under the rug" and avoided needed conversations.  They often told both bald-faced lies and white lies to keep the peace. And they thought it was the right thing to do. But was it?

Many of us avoid the truth because we have these hidden rooms in our life.  These rooms contain secrets, sins, mistakes and embarrassments from the past.  We all have them.  And we fear that any exposure to our spouse will embarrass us, make us look bad or cause our spouse to reject or distrust us.  But the truth is that your spouse has them too and coming clean can be liberating for our relationship.

Then there are those of us who think that our hidden things are irrelevant. We have developed solid reasons why secrecy is the "smart" approach to our marriage. We have the following thoughts.

• It doesn't matter because it happened a long time ago.
• My spouse doesn't care.
• It's just digging up old stuff. What's done is done.
• We've already tried to work through this.

It's ironic that more than one spouse has asked us, "Why won't my spouse talk about this with me?"  They are aware that their spouse is hiding a part of their life and it breaks their hearts. But they know bringing it up will create tension in the relationship, so they live with the lack of truth.

So is truth always good?

No, there are times when truth can be used as a weapon to harm others.  As we are truthful, we can't use it to expose, embarrass, destroy or punish someone.  We already have an enemy who will do that for us.
And we should express truth at the right time for the same reasons.

In practice we should use Truth in a way that deepens our relationships.  The Bible clarifies this using the words "with love".  And links it to being a sign of maturity.

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15

Why is Truth so Threatening to Us?

Usually it is because we believe that truth in marriage is more a negative aspect than a positive.  If you do, you might think like this.

• If I tell my spouse the truth about my feelings it will just make things worse.  It's better to just shut down or shut up. (I've done this btw.)
• This issue is from a long time ago and it doesn't matter now.  Sure I think about it but I can't take the risk.
• There are some topics we just don't discuss because we know they are unsolvable.  We gave up on this. (I've done this too.)

Each of these statements identifies a need for greater transparency and truth in the relationship, not a need to withdraw or make excuses.

If  you are a Christian, it's a sad commentary that we want to be led by the Holy Spirit, who is the "spirit of truth" and yet hold this viewpoint.  And if you are not worried about that then you need to avoid the term "soul mates" about marriage because it's just a fantasy.

Counting the Cost of Truth

Before we go on, I also want you to be aware. There can be costs to adding more truth to your marriage. Being more truthful won't always easy or comfortable.  And the process will require effort and time.  But this is true of most things in marriage, isn't it?

Here's something to consider as you move forward that has helped me "count the cost".

We all know that going to the Cross for Jesus wasn't easy.  He didn't want to do it and said so in the garden of Gethsemane. But he did go forward. So, why did He do it?  And what can we learn from his attitude?

First it was God's will for Him and he trusted that good would come from being obedient to the Father.  But second, it was because He saw the joy on the other side.  The struggle was worth it.  The pain was worth it.  Because He saw the joy of welcoming millions of followers into his kingdom.  And He knew that He could have intimacy with them for eternity.  Hebrews 12:2

This longer-term view, that Jesus used to guide him, is something we need to leverage.  

It might work like this for you. First visualize the long-term benefit, we then acknowledge there will be challenges, but we start small, we struggle with it some, we get momentum by making progress gradually, and then overtime, we reap greater and greater benefits.

Here are some long-term benefits you can factor in your decision.

• Less drama because you have fewer secrets to reveal.
• More conversation because you aren't afraid to reveal yourself to your spouse.
• More intimacy because you don't fear getting caught doing something negative.
• More understanding of your spouse because you know their weaknesses.
• Increased personal growth and godliness because your pride dies through honesty.
• More effective prayer since you know both know what each other needs help with.
• More transparency because you are free to share more deeply held thoughts and feelings.
• Fewer temptations because your needs are better met and you are more accountable.
• Deeper respect and appreciation for each other as you both acknowledge your real selves.
• Fewer problems from bad decisions, poor money management and difficult relationships because the two of you can speak honestly about the big issues.

My recommendation (and what we read in the scriptures) is that we should humbly and consistently increase the amount of truth in our marriage relationship, even when we find it a struggle.

Regardless of your situation, you can start small and increase the truth in your marriage relationship little by little.  As you do, you will have the opportunity to see the benefits it brings (which I believe will be encouraging).

And if you don't think this is for you, please be aware of the following possibilities for your marriage.

• If we avoid being truthful with each other, what benefits are we missing in life? 
• What blessings from God will pass us by? 
• What maturity will we never see in each other? 
• How will Satan regularly attack these untruthful areas and torment us? 
• What negative impact will it have on our friends, our children and our testimony? 
• How will we offend God by doubting his ways and his power to enable us? 
• How might it lead to other marriage issues such as growing distrust, bitterness, isolation, resentment or unbelief?

Embracing the Truth

I've provided some "softball" questions below, to help you get started. So take 15 minutes and discuss them.  Take turns answering.  As you listen to your spouse, avoid correcting,  or being critical.  Give them time to say it their way.  Just listen sensitively and ask kind questions to better understand.

Avoid trying to "fix" your spouse.  If stress occurs, take a break.  It's ok and normal. Then plan another time to continue.

And if you find that you are regularly getting stuck, get help from a pastor, another trusted couple or a good counselor. It's something you won't regret in 10 years.

Questions to the Conversation Started

• How did our birth families avoid truth in their relationships?  What lies were ok there?
• What level of "avoiding the truth" are we comfortable with in our marriage?  Why?
• What do we fear the most about speaking the truth in love?
• What are examples, in our relationship, of avoiding the truth in our conversations?
• What small steps can we take to create a more accepting environment of truth in our relationship?