For some of us, this question is non-sensical because we naturally believe there are benefits to marriage.  But some of us are skeptics and wonder if this issue of Marriage Intimacy is really something to pursue.   We have a lot of tasks and goals and priorities.  And we only have so much time and energy in life.

Plus we know our marriage and how hard it is to change.  So is this marriage intimacy a worthwhile priority?  Do the benefits measure up?  How much effort will it take in our marriage (with its issues)?

In a business we would call this a situation demanding a cost-benefit analysis (CBA).

CBA answers this important question.  If I invest this time, energy, and money into something, what can I expect as a return value.  Does the end result really make it all worth it?

Sounds crass, doesn’t it?  But hang with me because If we are honest, we all tend to evaluate life this way.  We look at risk, reward, effort, time, energy and then decide what we will focus on each minute and day.  We use CBA to decide if it is worth buying a piano for our kids or whether going to our in-laws for vacation is worth it, or whether we should combine our shopping trip with a stop to get fuel and an cold drink.

Of course we get distracted and make mistakes along the way, but regularly we are all asking ourselves “is this worth it?”  And if you think this is not true, ask your spouse what they think of your favorite hobby.

But I’m going to give you a break.  This CBA thing isn’t really bad.  Because for finite beings this is matters.  We all have limits (which we regularly ignore…), so it’s reasonable to ask ourselves what do we focus on.  We can’t do everything, be everywhere, solve every problem and still stay sane and healthy.  Yet many of us try anyway to do all these things and pay the price.

In the past the CBA questions for most humans were about food, shelter, and safety.  But today, we have moved up the scale.  We have the basics of life covered so we are concerned with more than survival.  And so is Jesus.  Jesus references this issue in Luke 14:28-30 and then points out the social humiliation it might bring if we make the wrong choice.

For which of you, wanting to build a tower, doesn’t sit down first and compute the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it?
Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish the tower, all who see it will begin to make fun of him. 
They will say, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish!’  

Luke 14:28-30

Jesus sure sounds like he is referring to doing a Cost-Benefit Analysis.  And this was long before it showed up in college textbooks with a fancy acronym.

Got Benefits?

Of course, in a marriage relationship it’s not all about CBA.  There are clearly relational and emotional benefits to consider.  But there are also financial benefits, for example, the negative costs of divorce, conflict, and counseling that come into play when marriages begin to struggle.  So to summarize, I’m not recommending that we “value” our marriage by financial benefits, but in the interest of transparency, we should at least understand all the benefits of having a more secure marriage (social, emotional, spiritual, financial, & physical).  Which brings me to a key point.

I would argue Marriage Intimacy is most important marital quality to pursue because the benefits are far-reaching and significant over time.

Which makes sense  because marriage is a life-long day-to-day relationship that touches everything in our lives.

So, establishing a stronger, more meaningful relationship with our spouse matters.  Even if it requires focus, desire, effort and skill.  And I believe It is a daily process where we are either building up our intimacy or tearing it down.  There is no middle ground (or level ground) because marriage intimacy doesn’t happen by chance.  It’s intentional and can be slow if we are selfish people.

So, what do “experts” say about marriage intimacy?  What have studies shown?

Studies About Marriage Intimacy

Being a bit of a nerd, I have read some research studies on this topic.  And maybe you don’t care so I’ll summarize and save you the time of researching it yourself.

The first question, being researched, was “What is the relationship between marriage intimacy and quality of life?”  This study, published in 2017 used 41 questions to evaluate intimacy on eight dimensions plus a 26 item scale used by the World Health Organization to determine quality of life.  265 people responded to the questions and the study reported this.

“Results showed that there is a significant positive correlation between marital intimacy in all its dimensions and quality of life. In other words, high levels of marital intimacy is associated with high level of quality of life and low levels is related to low levels of quality of life. In the previous studies, the relationship between marital intimacy and quality of life was investigated and the results confirmed this relationship.  The research results are consistent with the research results of Carr et al (2014)11, Robles et al (2014)12, Harper et al (2000)13 and McCabe (1997)14.

Finally, investigating the intimacy showed that quality of life of the married responders increases significantly as intimacy increases. In explaining this finding, it can be said that intimacy leads to strong marital relationships and marital satisfaction.  People who have intimate and efficient relations benefit from certain skills. Couples with deep and stable relationships are familiar with interpersonal skills, such as listening, clear relationships, negotiation, proper management, anger and so on and use these skills in their relationships.”  Hmmm…

So What did other Studies find?

• Better quality of life (health, security, happiness, respect, peace, personal development)
• Improved interpersonal skills with all relationships
• Reduced loneliness and rejection (also noted)
• More stable relationships for the whole family (for example children)

Any Other Benefits?

Reduced conflict, fear, stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness, dementia, and pathological thoughts.

Improved health, sleep, sex, self-esteem, personal growth, spirituality, purpose, support, passion, learning, thinking, mental health, and stability.

And I need to mention that this is just for the couples.  It doesn’t really focus on the impact growing Marriage Intimacy might have on children, extended family or our career.

Time for some irony.  It  almost seems that we were designed for deep marriage relationships by a God who highly values them for our good.

And the result is that a more intimate relationship with our spouse potentially makes our life healthier, happier, meaningful and purposeful.  Yet we are torn.  We often pursue things like income, position/prestige, achievement, success, and knowledge believing they will give us the better results.  And those are important but only when our closest relationship is strong and growing.  Because Marital Intimacy is a foundational need for a meaningful life.  And all these other things we think we need are not. 

So, let’s go with the idea that deeper intimacy with your spouse is important and worthwhile.  And now I know what some of my readers are thinking.  “You don’t know our marriage very well, do you?”

That’s why in another blog post I discuss that concern.  But before you jump to that topic, first consider these questions.

Hard Questions

• What priority is marriage intimacy for me (1 to 10)?
• Looking at my wallet and calendar, what is a higher priority?  Marriage or other things?
• How will higher priorities in other areas reward my effort compared to investing more in building marriage intimacy?
• What will matter most to me in 10, 20, 30 or even 50 years from now?