One of the consistent things I’ve noticed about myself (and others) is a strong need to feel like we are in control.  It doesn’t matter if it is our time, our diet, our weight, our habits, our health, our money, our future, our security, our spouse, our in-laws, our children, our career or our safety, we all have an internal drive to try to control the important things around us.

And this staying in control of our marriage can lead to some challenges.

In my life I have many times worked hard to control my career.  Result?  Burnout, anger and failure.

I could say the same about trying to control my two daughters.  And my weight.  And my beloved wife.  And even the couples we’ve walked alongside of who have struggled in marriage.

And if I’m truthful, all of my attempts at controlling areas of my life have not worked very well.

But most of us are, even now, working hard to control some area of our life.  And we are optimistic that success is just around the corner.  But are we fooling ourselves?

Controlling Symptoms and Behaviors

Being in control comes with certain symptoms and behaviors.  Here are some I’ve noticed but there are many others.  Do any of these describe you?

1. Some weeks I find myself stressed out about a situation, a relationship, a specific person or an organization.  Thank God I’m not the problem.
2. I’m so better organized than most people so I need to be in charge of things for others, helping them see the light.
3. I love to “help” others by reminding them to make the changes that I believe are best.  It’s the least I can do since they don’t seem to feel the same concern.
4. I like to be in charge of holidays, meals, packing, planning, driving, and schedules.  I’m just better at it than others.  Sure I do get a little testy when others interfere.
5. Others think I’m a worrier.  But that’s just the way I am and it is a good thing for my spouse, family and friends.
6. I keep a mental list of people who are naughty and nice.  Naughty is when others are not meeting my expectations.  I let them know how disappointing they are.
7. I’m not a perfectionist, I just want things done the right way.
8. You don’t know my [fill in the blank].  They are very forgetful, unmotivated, careless or messy which means I need to step in and clean things up.  It’s a burden I am willing to bear.

The irony is that all of us, including Adam and Eve, love to be in control.  (What could go wrong if we eat from the Tree of Good and Evil?  After all it’s better if we are more knowledgeable just like God, right?)

But being someone, who needs to be in control, has a price.  It reduces our joy and affects our closest relationships.  Even our relationship with God.

Excuses for Control

When I’m in the mode of controlling,  I’m more critical, prideful, demanding, stressed and hyper.   But I’m good at justifying my behavior with excuses.

1. I just care more.
2. I’m just helping.
3. Others need me.
4. I’m the most qualified.
5. I just want the best.
6. They will appreciate it later.
7. It makes me feel better.

But if I took a lie detector test, it would reveal my real heart.  Behind the excuses it is often more about my self-interest and my self-image, which need regular feeding.

What is Good Control

But surely there must be some good behind all of this effort we make to control parts of our lives, right?  Well, yes there is, when we start with ourselves.

When I first control my fears and acknowledge my tendency to control others then I can let others make mistakes I wouldn’t make.  That’s good experience for them so they grow.

When I avoid stepping in until it’s clear someone else is going to be permanently harmed, that is true caring.

My desire to help (or control) reminds me that it is good for me to realize that God created me with limits.  I am human.  And I’m limited in my time, knowledge, influence, and energy.

My limits are typical of being a creature rather than the creator.  Thankfully, God doesn’t have those limits.

Remember the Garden of Eden?  From the beginning humans have wanted to be “like God” (to be in control).    And our enemy, Satan, is glad to keep promoting the lie to us that we can control the uncontrollable if we just keep trying.

So what do we replace our need for control with?  Do we just quit trying and let things go?  Drop our standards?  Accept mediocrity?   No, there is God’s way.

He wants us to admit our fears, weaknesses and desires.  Then trust Him in the things that are uncontrollable.  We do this by living each day like God is in control, not us.  That He knows what needs to be done and when and how.  And our weakness in this area can now glorify His work in us.

Plus, with all of the free time created by being less controlling, we can spend time focusing more on Him, learning His ways and timing.  And walking in more peace and love toward others.

Limiting our Control

In marriage our tendency to control limits what God can do.  Our spouse doesn’t want to feel controlled so they often respond in anger or avoidance.

These behaviors are toxic to intimacy.

So consider these ideas to limit your tendency to be in control.

It will make you more loving and gracious in your marriage.

• Admit and confess the pride behind your controlling behaviors
• Admit your human limits in time, resources and understanding
• Trust God and pray about your concerns rather than striving against Him
• Respect your other’s freedom of choice even when you differ
• Avoid the temptation to rescue others including your spouse
• Challenge your expectations of what is best and perfect
• Avoid treating your spouse and others as projects to work on
• Guard your heart from being critical and condemning of others who don’t meet your expectations
• Avoid the lie that it is your responsibility to manage other adults
• Acknowledge there is not just one way to do things well
• Be more humble in receiving good advice and counsel from those who love us
• Acknowledge that God has you there to love and accept others even in their weaknesses and faults

Jesus in Control

Where did Jesus demonstrate a tendency to control others?

Was Jesus controlling others, trying to rescue everyone who didn’t listen, worried day and night?  Clearly he knew what was best for each person he encountered.

But Jesus accepted the limits of his humanity and He found joy in being led by the Holy Spirit.  He was more interested in being under the control of His Father than controlling others.

So, let’s imitate Him.

Jesus show how to be caring without being controlling.  And loving without expectations.   Because he knew that trying to control things can often lead to worse outcomes.

Abraham tried to control the problem of having no heir by taking a concubine.  That resulted in a Middle East with no peace.

Moses tried to be a deliverer of the Hebrews by killing the Egyptian task master and spent 40 years in the desert.

Joseph’s brothers decided it was time for him to go but in a surprising twist, Joseph trusted God to use it for His purposes.

David tried to go easy on his sone Absalom and it brought an early death.

Peter tried to impress the Jews who visited him in Antioch by pulling away from the gentile believers.  And it divided the church.

So let’s take to heart God’s word about the dangers of believing we can control so much.

[Matthew 6:31-32 NLT] 31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.

[Luke 10:41-42 NLT] 41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

[Luke 22:33-34 NLT] 33 Peter said, “Lord, I am ready to go to prison with you, and even to die with you.” 34 But Jesus said, “Peter, let me tell you something. Before the rooster crows tomorrow morning, you will deny three times that you even know me.”

Am I Controlling? Find out.

1. Where am I seeing myself trying to control the uncontrollable in my marriage?
2. Where am I regularly critical of others (and my spouse) who I don’t feel measure up?
3. What are the costs I’m experiencing by letting my need to be in control get out-of-control?
4. What do I need to say to God about this issue so I can find rest?
5. What scriptures do I need to hide in my heart to fill me with truth?