I’ve written several articles about this topic before, but I keep coming back to it because it is so powerful in changing our marriages.
Here’s the topic. Great questions.
Couples who learn to use great questions will naturally create great conversations. And those great conversations will naturally deepen their relationship. And that deeper relationship will give them joy and endurance.
So. Great Questions + Your Effort = Joy and Endurance. A very nice formula.
Reasons for Great Questions
Some people don’t like to ask great questions. They have these types of reasons.
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We’ve been married so long there aren’t any new topics to discuss.
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We already talk a lot about everything that’s important to us.
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We are so busy already that this seems like more work without a reward.
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My spouse won’t talk about things. They are introverted and quiet. Trust me, I’ve tried.
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These marriage-type questions are manipulative, aren’t they?
But here are good counterpoints.
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How do we know there are no “new” topics to discuss if we don’t ever ask each other?
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Sure we talk a lot each day, but are we talking about things that matter for our relationship?
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Prioritizing what is best is always work. And your marriage is worth the effort, right?
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When did your spouse stop talking? Why? This is an interesting mystery to explore. What if their silence is the symptom of a problem and not a feature of their personality?
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Manipulative? Not when the purpose is to deepen our relationship and build our love.
So, why do so many couples “give up” on conversations. Do they think that it is normal for married couples to eventually move to a point where we find each other uninteresting?
Why Conversations can be Boring
Conversations can be boring when they are one-sided, repetitive and unproductive. That’s why we need better questions to break out of the rut.
Otherwise we discuss the same topics. Have the same arguments. Get the same responses. And find the conversations unsatisfying.
A primary reason many marriages have uninteresting conversations is that they only focus on sharing information. Lots of information.
What time will you be home? When are you going to ….? What’s for dinner? When is the soccer game? Did you pay the water bill? Why is the dog heaving on the carpet? Who let the snake out of the aquarium?
These types of conversations are not wrong, but they are dangerous when they become the norm. Why?
Because purely informational conversations are superficial. They don’t focus on the deeper issues of our relationship which attracted us to each other in the beginning.
The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.
Proverbs 20:5
Every Person is a Mystery
Pssst. Here’s a secret about learning to ask great questions that might motivate you.
Great Questions are not just about improving communication in marriage. They also help in other ways.
Did you ever think that one great question might get you a better deal on a purchase. Or that it could open doors to a job offer? Find you a new friend? Get you some great advice? Or even help the time go by faster while you wait for something to happen?
Asking great questions is a powerful tool you can use everywhere in life. With the person at the counter. The person in the elevator. The waitperson. Your in-laws. Your teenagers who don’t want to talk. The person in line behind you. And even your doctor. And I’m a good example.
For years I found myself feeling bored with people I encountered. (Yes I know that’s prideful and shallow.) But it turns out it I had it backward. It actually was me who was boring, not them. I just needed great questions.
Today, I find that everyone is more interesting than they appear at first. And I hold the key to finding out by asking them a great question to “open” them up. That’s when I find that they are very interesting.
Here’s some examples:
- One friend I met revealed that he was given a knighthood by an African country. Who does that anymore?
- I found that another makes cool jewelry but only if you ask.
- And another has a Dad that created the Doritos potato chip. What?
- My next door neighbor was once the Baylor mascot on the field at games. Wow!
- And another friend has an amazing gun collection that no one ever sees. Show me!
- And one of my sisters has visited all the National Parks in Slovenia. Where is that country?
But these things didn’t just pop up in the conversation. I had to ask great questions and then listen.
It’s God’s Fault Actually
In the Bible, God asks a variety of questions, so we can blame him for starting this. Some examples include:
“Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9), “Why do you complain?” (Isaiah 41:8-10), “What is in your hand?” (Exodus 4:1-4), “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?” (Job 38:4) and “Who do you say that I am?” (Luke 9:20).
In fact Jesus asked 307 questions recorded by the disciples.
God’s questions are not to help him know something he doesn’t know. He already knows everything. His questions are to help us learn something new. His questions reveal our inner motivations, assumptions, resources and faith. When God asks a great question, you are about to learn something new. So be like God and ask great questions.
Boredom is born from Ignorance
When you walk by a house, in your neighborhood, is it interesting? For myself, I’m prone to see nothing special about it.
- But what if I learned that inside was an illegal drug lab? Interesting!
- Or the owner has a new invention that may change the world? Interesting!
- Or the wife is struggling with cancer? How can we help?
- Or the couple living there found out this morning they are having a baby after years of infertility? Wow!
Something just changed about that house. What was it?
Me.
I’m not ignorant of the facts any more. And that’s where great questions help us.
So where should you start?
How to Craft a Great Question
Catching fish is hard. You need the right lure to start out. And using great questions is using the best lure to pull someone up where you can see and appreciate them.
And like lures there is no ONE question you can ask everyone. You need to be creative and understand your fish/person?
Predefined questions will help but they can come off as insincere. So use them occasionally. But eventually those questions run out.
That’s why I recommend we learn to create our own great questions. That will make them much more effective, interesting and thought-provoking!
“Be a good listener, and “ask questions the other person will enjoy answering.”
– Dale Carnegie
These are the recommendations that the famous sales trainer, Dale Carnegie, suggested in his 1936 classic “How to Win Friends and Influence People“.
More than 80 years later, most of us still fail to heed Carnegie’s sage advice. First we don’t listen well and we don’t use the opportunity to ask great questions.
Building a Great Question
Here are some common-sense ideas for creating your own great questions.
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Be Appropriate: Ensure the question isn’t embarrassing, accusatory or inappropriate for the relationship. That’s awkward.
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Be Open-Ended: Next, use an open-ended question to encourage a better response. No questions with a YES or NO answer. Don’t say, “Having a good day?”, but “What’s been good about your day?”.
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Be simple and focused: Keep the question simple and focused. Don’t give the other person a mountain to climb.
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Ask to learn: Ask something you would like to know more about, so you don’t sound artificial or manipulative. You are there to learn.
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What and How: Start your question with “what” or “how”. Avoid “why” questions. For some reason, “Why” can often sound like an accusation or a put-down, so be careful with it.
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Relate to the Situation: Relate the question to the person’s life or their current situation. “How did you get into this business/field?” What are your plans for your boat? When did you get interested in flying?
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Zip it: Then the hard part. Shut up and listen. Don’t get impatient and hijack the conversation to tell your story. Avoid judgements, or put-downs. Let them be the focus.
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Prime the Pump. And if you get a short answer try again.. Use “Tell me more about it” or use a gentle “Why” question “Why is that?”.
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Stay Curious. Finally, make it your goal to find out something new about most people and leave them feeling energized. Don’t overdo it, but become more naturally curious about others.
As you start out, don’t expect perfection from yourself. Experiment and find what works best for you.
And as I noted at the beginning, practice most often with your spouse. Then with others. And then let me know how it goes, in the comments!
So, as I send you off on this adventure, here’s a little surprise for you.
Go to your Phone App Store and download the “Gottman Card Decks App“. Open it and try the questions!
Rob, you have done it again. Made me stop to consider an important topic. Thanks for putting it down for us in print. You have an amazing gift of making us feel like you are interested and caring about our lives, through questions. I am determined to use these points in my interaction with others.
Thank you Wanda, I’m blessed that it was helpful!