In marriage, we will have conflict.  And we have patterns we often follow.  We usually have preferred conflict styles which we use in conflict with our spouse.

One common “conflict style” is known as “competing”.  Using the “competing” conflict style during a marriage conflict is a lose-lose proposition.

But amazingly I tried it on the second day of our marriage.

I wanted to go to a science-fiction movie, while Lou Ann wanted to hang out since we had only been married about 24 hours.

In retrospect, I was foolish.  I used the competing style to win the conflict of our first marriage disagreement.  To this day, we both remember this event and the negative impact it had on our relationship.

With perspective I was clearly being selfish and immature, which I still regret.

Competing in Marriage

By using the competing conflict style, a spouse tries to get their way at the deliberate expense of their spouse.  They are not just “standing their ground”, instead they are attempting to win the conflict at all costs.  There is little concern on their part for the feelings, needs or desires of their spouse in the conflict.

Competing with our spouse in a conflict situation is lose/lose approach we should avoid.

When a spouse is competing (in conflict), they are being very assertive and lack flexibility.  They have internalized the idea that they must win the current conflict or they will lose something significant.  Whether this is true or not, the end result usually leads to high emotions and hostile communication.

How Competing in Conflict Works

This conflict style is also called “Forcing” or “Confrontation”.  When it is used regularly, it can be deadly for the marital relationship because it:

1. Tends to include bullying as one of its tactics
2. Denies the value of the other spouse’s feelings/opinions
3. Creates distrust and pain in the other spouse
4. Encourages the other spouse to use Avoidance or Accomodation in Conflict
5. Leads to poor decisions, since only one partner is really involved in the decision behind the conflict

Why we might choose this Conflict Style

Spouses may use the competing conflict style for several reasons.

• They may have never learned how to use other conflict styles because this is the only one they were exposed to when growing up.
• They may be so self-centered that they believe this style is truly the best approach in all conflict.
• They may use it occasionally when the conflict involves issues that to them, have significant fears behind them, and thus they cannot afford to “lose”.
• They may use it when the conflict involves something of significant value to them, such as a personal belief.
• They may use it when they believe that no further negotiation will be effective or they are trying to stop some violence or life-threat.

When a spouse uses this conflict style, they are saying the issue is very important, the relationship is not that important (in this situation) and they believe they have the power to force their approach. 

However, this approach has a fatal flaw.  It only provides a short-term benefit and then even more energy will be needed to repair the relational damage it causes.

When to use this Conflict Style

In brief, do not use this style, except in rare occasions.  Then ensure that everyone involved understands the underlying reasons.

As noted earlier, those with many underlying fears are more prone to use this approach than those who are in a trusting and transparent relationship.  As couples learn to trust one another and show genuine concern, the competing conflict style should not be needed.

For couples who find this style occurring regularly in their marriage, it is important to determine  why it is occurring.  They should take an inventory of prior conflicts and have the “competing” spouse share why they use this approach.

We highly recommend that couples who regularly use this conflict style, find other supporting couples (with various viewpoints) who will provide honest feedback.  If the spouse using this approach is continually defensive of it, then there are likely to be other hidden issues involved. These should be explored in an accepting and loving way.

Quotes about Conflict

• Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument. – Desmond Tutu
• Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.”– Andrea Wachter, marriage counselor
• The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress. ~ Joseph Joubert
• People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument. ~ Will Rogers

Questions to Consider

1. What are some conflicts in your marriage that have involved the Competing style?
2. What fears might be behind the desire to be competitive in conflict?
3. If you are on the receiving end of someone using the Competing style, how does it make you feel?
4. What types of conflict do you find are prone to the competitive style?

Scripture Thoughts

Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights.  A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.
2 Timothy 2:23-24

Helpful Article

Large Number of Good Perspectives on Marital Conflict