Our new SUV has a feature that helps keep it safely driving in a given lane on the highway.  I’ve found that that this feature is both good and bad.  When it is bad, I feel like the car is a ping pong ball bouncing between the lines.  But if I’m distracted, it’s a great thing to have activated because it provides a backup to my superior driving skills!

In a similar manner, Commitment helps us keep our marital relationship “in the lane” when we are being buffeted by distractions and headwinds.  But often commitment is an unappreciated part of marriage.  It seems that LOVE and ROMANCE gets most of the attention when discussing marriage, but it is commitment that keeps our marriage focused during the difficult months and years that we often face.

As Lou Ann and I approach a half-century of marriage, we can both vouch that commitment has carried us through times when we didn’t feel much love.  Commitment was the bridge that kept our relationship strong when the emotions were lagging.  When we struggled, our belief that marriage was a relationship for life, provided needed boundaries for us to work out our sinful issues.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love. – Stephen Kendrick

While we see long-term marriages in the Bible, there is little shared about how they specifically maintained them.  Here are some actions we’ve found helpful in keeping our commitment strong!

Action: Pray for each Other

There are many needs for prayer, but your spouse deserves your most intentional prayers.  This is challenging when we are in conflict but every answered prayer for your spouse is a blessing to you.  So pray selfishly for them.

You can pray for their wisdom, insight, faithfulness, favor from God, health, healing, reconciliation, growth, sinful habits, priorities and goals.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Philippians 4:6

 Action: Focus on being Friends

Marriages that build emotional intimacy last.  We all start our relationship with limerence.  But limerence is fleeting and we need to add friendship to the relationship for the marriage to grow stronger.

Couples who are strong friends find ways to enjoy doing things with each other and value this part of their relationship.  They find ways to have fun when they are broke, flirt when they are tired and listen when they are frustrated.  They also value teamwork and the strengths they see in each other.

Friendship in marriage is something we often take for granted, but it too is essential for our commitment and thriving.

 “When Priscilla and Aquila heard him preaching in the synagogue, they took him aside and explained the way of God even more accurately.”

Acts 18:26

 Action: Fight Biblically

If you are married, you will have regular conflict.  That’s normal and healthy because it recognizes we are different and have different perspectives.

Struggling marriages avoid conflict and sweep it under the rug where it festers in silence.  They assume falsely that ignoring conflict will resolve it.

Great marriages are free to disagree but they understand the superpower of forgiveness and reconciliation.  If you need help, download and read this material.

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Colossians 3:13

Action: Focus on Growth

Living things always grow and change.  If you and your marriage are not growing/changing, then you are probably entering a dangerous time.

Growth is both personal and joint.  Look for ways to grow spiritually.  Learn more about your unique gifts from God.  Read books together, attend classes, attend or serve in a ministry together ( re|engage anyone?).

Lovingly challenge each other to keep moving and you will be investing in the most valuable relationship in this world.

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
Ephesians 4:15

Action: Leverage Your Strengths

Identify what you do best or better than your spouse, then look for ways to leverage those unique strengths.  Who is best at managing money?  How about discernment?  Or finding good deals? Or hearing from God?  Who is most organized?  Most social?  Most comfortable with making risky decisions?  Best at cooking?

Find ways to leverage and complement each other’s gifts so that God can work through you both, for your joy.  

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9 & 12

Action: Protect your Intimacy

Decide today that your marriage relationship and it’s health is more important than your job, your career, your kids, your extended family, your next promotion, your career ladder, your hobbies, your friendships, your ministry, and your sin struggles.

Then collaborate on ideas to strengthen your intimacy.  That means finding time to be alone, together, engaging in conversation, about things that matter, regularly.

But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife.  His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.
1st Corinthians 7:33-34

“Til death do us part” is the best soil for a marriage relationship to grow in.  With long-term commitment comes the opportunity to build deep trust.

Only with trust will you have the security to grow, live, learn and love with real transparency.

Your intimacy is fragile.  It will not mature without specific boundaries and support to protect it.   

Anything we do, which erodes commitment to our marriage, is stealing from our future happiness and heavenly rewards.

Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage.

Hebrews 13:4a

Discuss these Questions if you want to increase your marital commitment!

• The longest recognized marriage lasted 86 years.  How old would you both be if you were married that long?

• Rank yourselves from 1 (low) to 5(high) on the six (6) ideas above.
  Prayer, Friendship, Biblical Conflict, Focus on Growth, Leveraging Strengths, Protecting Intimacy.
  What are you excelling at?  What needs more focus?

More thoughts about Commitment