In my marriage I regularly want to see God change my spouse.   That’s because I am strongly aware of the areas where she needs to change.  And I believe that if she changes, then things will get much better in our relationship.

Change My Spouse Dynamic

But I need to recognize this interesting dynamic which can occur in this situation.  (Also read this disclaimer if your marriage is struggling.)

The dynamic is this.  When my spouse changes, it creates a relational imbalance where both of us need to adjust.
And secondly any change I see may increase my  expectation that my spouse will now make other changes too.
And thirdly, my spouse may expect a reciprocal change in my life now that they’ve made a change.

Which means that when change occurs, things get complicated.  And I need to be prepared for it.

“Change before you have to.”

 Jack Welch

Which brings me to the issue of personal choice.

Why People Change

“People change when they … Hurt enough that they have to, Learn enough that they want to, and Receive enough that they are able to.”
– John Maxwell  (Watch Here)

When your spouse changes, it is because they decided to change.  You may want to take some or most of the credit but that’s a rookie mistake.
Your spouse had a choice and they made it.

In fact, they may just as soon decide tomorrow to rescind that change.  Because in the end, no spouse really changes just for the other spouse. 
As their spouse, we have influence with them but we cannot make them change without their consent.

But we try.  With lots of techniques.

We complain, we may put up sticky notes, mention it regularly, pray for them, have our friends pray, and also provide our spouse with at least 5 good reasons to change.  And sometimes, our spouses agree and they decide it is the best thing to do.  But often all we do is become an annoying voice in the relationship.  And if there’s one thing human beings absolutely refuse to change for, it’s the person with the annoying voice.

Your spouse knows all of the areas you need to change.  They have a Top 3 list for you, if you ask.  And they know you aren’t focusing on that list all the time.  But they are still hoping you will make a change.  So be prepared.

The Marriage Change Rule to Remember

Which brings me to this classic rule of marriage relationships.  The one rule we all want to ignore and hope doesn’t apply to our relationship.

THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CONSISTENTLY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER IS YOURSELF!

Go back and read it again slowly.  I’ve found that it takes most of us years to fully accept this as true.  It did for me and I’m normal I think.

This means that the best use of your emotional, spiritual and physical energy is to focus on making the changes you need to make in yourself.

But that’s not fun to do.  And you are not really sure those changes are essential.  And you even wonder if those changes will make a difference.

So it’s far easier to keep the pressure on our spouse and get back to your changes later.  But if you continue to do that, these negative things will begin to happen in your relationship.

1. You will wear yourself out trying to change your spouse.
2. Your spouse will resist you more and more.
3. The changes you want to see in your marriage will become more and more elusive.
4. You will slowly grow farther apart from your spouse.
5. You will be fighting against both your spouse and God.

To summarize, you will get overwhelmed, become angry/depressed, blame God, become more isolated, see less change, find more frustration, and gradually diminish your existing relationship with your spouse and God.  And this is not what we want.

God will Change your Spouse Better Than You

Consider how God works in people to change them.  He is a master at it.  Just look at Peter (Mr. Loudmouth) and Paul (Mr. Persecutor of Christians) if you have doubts about His abilities.

First God interrupts their life and tells them the truth so they know the consequences.  He then backs away and gives them the freedom to choose.  He also lets any consequences automatically fall where they always do.  But He stands ready to respond to a desperate cry for help without any hint of “I told you so…”  Then He waits patiently while the Holy Spirit works on their mind, will and emotions.

I like God’s way.  God knows that change is hard for us and that we are often scared of what might happen if we change.   For many, it sometimes seems safer to stay where we are than risk the change.  Plus we are stubborn (and selfish) believing that our world should always revolve around us.  But God reads minds and knows hearts and he’s a master at helping us change.  He knows just where to let the pain show up so we will consider changing.

That’s why it makes more sense for us to “draw the circle around ourselves and work on everything inside the circle“.  It keeps us occupied while God works on our spouse and provides more of God’s grace to us, along with more joy and peace in our life.

Focus on the Change Method that Works

So, let’s refocus on how to make the changes we need to make in ourselves, continue to pray for changes in our spouse, allow God do the heart work in our spouse and allow God to be God.  Then be patient with both God and our spouse.

So How are You Doing at this Right Now?

• I’m spending more time on the changes in myself.   Yes  or  No
• I recognize the negative impact of not changing myself.  Yes or  No
• I won’t ask my spouse to change if I’m not willing to do the same.  Yes or No
• I have someone who is holding me accountable to change.  Yes or No
• I’m not using my changes as a weapon or tool to force my spouse to change.  Yes or No
• I’ve consistently and honestly asked God to show me areas where I need to change.  Yes or No
• I’ve humbled myself, confessed my sins/issues/problems and asked for God to change me.  Yes or  No.

Here’s an example of how we change most effectively.

2 Timothy 1:14 Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.