Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Those years can be a real threat to your marriage intimacy. Let’s look at how we can make positive changes to ensure our marriage survives parenthood.
God’s word is clear, children are a blessing. From the moment we first hold our children they make our lives richer and more meaningful. We invest time and energy into preparing them to become adults, because we love them. It is a responsibility we take seriously.
We are the parents of two daughters. They are now adults. We remember how challenging the parenting years were and how it affected our marriage intimacy. We’ve enjoyed every phase with them as children, teenagers, college students, marrieds, parents and now becoming empty-nesters.
We weren’t perfect examples in our parenting. There were definitely times when we wondered, if we would make it. But we did it!
Walking day-to-day with God’s word, getting support from godly friends and relying on the help of our extended family made it possible.
It was there that we learned this critical fact.
The Power of A Good Marriage
It was the strength of our marriage relationship that made all the good things possible for our parenting.
Our marriage gave our children an environment of stability and encouragement. It provided an example of how to treat and work with others. It helped us be better parents when one of us (usually me) wanted to go “nuclear”. It was what kept us on track when we were confused, unsure, over confident, tired or frustrated.
Looking back we also see that our marriage provided a model for our two daughters to build upon in their marriages.
I could reminisce about the challenges we faced, but I will spare you. The challenges of parenting are different today. Why?
The culture and technology has moved on.
Culture is more secular today. It devalues the past and worships the future. It offers more choices and fewer consequences. It stretches social boundaries and ignores moral restraints. Plus, it is much more persuasive in having us believe that “you can have it all with paying any price”. Lastly, it is more brutal because we have more tribalism with everyone picking sides and punishing those who step out of line.
The results are that our families have struggled, our community has frayed and loneliness has become an epidemic.
But technology is another large change. Today our amazing technology can bring the worst of our world right into our hands.
These are very different problems than what we had to face 30 years ago. Yet there are some common struggles between then and now. And the questions are still the same.
- What are our values as a family?
- What are our priorities with our time?
- How will we live out our beliefs in practical ways?
- How do we influence our children for good?
- How do we ensure our children has a solid foundation for adulthood?
How we address these questions may have changed, but one thing hasn’t changed.
It is the value of a a strong marriage relationship which is foundational to supporting the answers and making them a reality.
But not everyone has this strong marriage foundation. Many come from homes where divorce has broken in and there are few good models.
I’ve found it interesting when I’ve spoken with adults coming from families where divorce occurred. Rarely have I heard them say, “I’m glad they didn’t try to keep their marriage together.”
Even when these adult children believe the divorce was inevitable they still exhibit a sense of loss in their lives. As adults, some of them still have a recurring hope that their parents might reconcile. Even when they know it won’t happen. But my deepest sadness is when I meet adults who wrongly wonder if they were the cause behind the breakup. That’s a heavy burden to carry because it is false.
These thoughts point us back to the unrealized value and impact of our marriages, because they matter to our children.
The most valuable gift you can give your children is the example of a loving marriage relationship that endures the challenges of life.
Keeping First Things First
If a strong marriage is invaluable, why do so many of us find our marriage intimacy fading? Why does our marriage seem to get the least attention?
When we look around, many couples focus more on parenting, hobbies, and career than their intimacy as a couple. They know their marriage relationship is important, but it doesn’t have the pull that these other interests have.
Some of us redirect our attention and efforts into our children. We become “helicopter parents” working diligently to ensure our children never struggle, never fail and have a perfect childhood. This is a good desire with poor outcomes.
Why? Because life is best learned in situations where we experience appropriate disappointment early in life. This tempers our expectations and creates resiliency so that we can bounce back as adults.
Here’s the common sense question for those focusing only on their children. Does it make sense to over-prioritize your children over your marriage whenthe quality of your marriage is what actually ensures their success?
We all have a time challenge coming after parenting. It is that 20-25 years of life with no children at home (which is more than the time we will spend parenting our children in home!).
Which is a another reminder that we need to determine now if our post-children years will be a gravestone or a capstone to our marriage. Will those post-parenting years be a time of loneliness and separation, or a sweet time to deepen our marriage?
Sadly a growing number of couples divorce after their children leave home. Often called the “gray divorce”, about 33% of couples divorce after reaching their 50’s. They have poured their lives into raising the children, pursuing career success and slowly drifting away from each other for decades. Suddenly, they are feeling alone and facing a sad reality. They have become roommates.
Their history includes long-term unresolved conflict, separate goals, and emotional coldness. It is even easier when we have the income to pursue our new “dreams” at the cost of our marriage. I find it so sad that couples who have worked so hard to raise children and now they have lost what originally made them a great couple.
Planning for Marriage Intimacy
So how can you and I keep our marriage intimacy strong during the years of parenting and beyond?
The most important component is prioritizing our marriage far above those things that seem to always demand our attention. Things like our career, extended family, hobbies, sports, children, education, friends, volunteering and pursuing other achievements.
We must decide together to make our marriage intimacy the #1 priority during the years of parenting. We do that by guarding our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual energy, prioritizing routines that support our marriage relationship and guarding one another from extremes. That’s a challenge but it can be done.
The number one threat is common to all of us.
It is the trap of busyness. Think about this common dilemma.
It is usually the couples who are the “best” at being involved, who are the ones that get the most requests to participate. They are the ones that get asked to volunteer, chaperone the kids, take the promotion, lead the effort, organize the event, and save the day. Good people who are talented and available are always in high demand. But this is a slippery slope which strokes our ego and pulls us apart.
We should be engaged in our work, community, school, church and children’s activities but when we get recognition it can become addictive. We suddenly feel better about ourselves and it is addictive. We then want to do more but we are spending less time with our spouse or children. So our marriage intimacy suffers.
Striving to be the top performer at work, head up the PTO, attend every school event, be the top class volunteer, and coach every sport is noble. Be careful that it doesn’t lead to dangerous outcomes. Outcomes that isolate us and wear us down.
Maybe your temptation is pursuing that next great career opportunity. The one that will demand a few years of heavy travel or moving from location to location and working longer hours. Or starting that new business with the seven-day work schedule. You know that it needs crazy hours to be successful yet you assume the financial and recognition will make it worthwhile.
In my case I was this guy. I focused too much on the career and new business area of life. It stroked my ego and made me feel better about myself. As I did this, I easily excused my temptations. I told myself my success would someday be a blessing to my family. Inside, my real motives were more about feeding my ego. When my dreams didn’t work out, I was emotionally wrecked and it harmed my family.
When tempted like this, we forget that the good life is happening now with our children. They are changing every day. Our influence is shifting and it is never going to be the same again.
Perhaps I haven’t mentioned your specific temptation yet. But there is always something that tempts us to sideline our marriage. You can often find it by asking “What is that thing that consumes my thoughts, dreams or time?”
Is it your hobby that takes weekends and some nights? Is it hanging out with others without your family?
None of these activities is wrong by themselves, but what begins with a small time investment can grow to consume the very things you value most!
Growing Marriage Intimacy while Parenting
Here are my best suggestions to make your parenting years better. They will help you think about what you are doing right and what needs to improve. My prayer is that they will help you, as a couple, navigate the demands you will face during these short years of parenting (and beyond).
Put these ideas in place and you will experience a better marriage and be a better parent. Plus you will have fewer regrets after the children leave home.
I’ve put them in a list format to reduce the length of this article. Plus I’ve created a downloadable version that you can print and discuss with your spouse.
As you read these, don’t be overwhelmed. You should pick several and work on them, but don’t try to do everything at once.
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Elevate your marriage relationship as the most important relationship in life. It’s not selfish to guard your marriage.
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Don’t make your children, friends, career, hobbies or volunteering your driving priority.
- Be honest about your motivations for doing more work, volunteering or hobbies.
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Don’t let recognition or position or praise determine your priorities.
- Identify your family values and priorities to guide your decisions. Then write them down.
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Give your children a loving relationship that prioritizes them over activities and career.
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Don’t try to live out your missed dreams through your children in sports/hobbies.
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Discern your children’s gifts and talents, then support them.
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Encourage them in their interests even when it isn’t your thing.
- Pray daily with your children and teach them how to pray daily.
- Read with or to your children.
- Be appropriately transparent about your your marriage relationship so your children learn from it.
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Build family traditions that are meaningful.
- Practice daily hugs, kisses and holding hands.
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Develop and show good conflict resolution skills in your relationships. (This is so important!)
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Celebrate special events as a family.
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Find and do interesting family activities that broaden your lives (hiking, games, travel, museums)
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Plan for the distractions that will pull at your family.
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Review your family priorities weekly and focus on them.
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Be wise and try to only do things which you are GREAT at doing. Don’t maximize your weaknesses.
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Train others to replace your volunteer role so you can move on.
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Learn to confidently say “NO” or “NOT NOW” without regret.
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Make commitments, as a family, not as individuals. Discuss them together and then commit.
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Organize your family life for the best outcomes.
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Create structure and routines in your home. Everyone should know their priorities for every day of the week.
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Establish regular meal, study, bath and bed times for each age.
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Limit screen time for yourself and your children during the week.
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Simplify chores and routines so they are easy to do.
- Don’t use your career as an excuse to not do more at home. You don’t deserve a vacation every night.
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Build personal accountability with your children. Give them more and more responsibility as they grow older.
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Assign regular chores.
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Teach them money management (saving, spending, giving).
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Show them how to create goals and work toward them.
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Encourage them to use discipline to complete goals.
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Don’t be a slave to doing things the way you did them growing up. It’s your family not your parent’s family.
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Use Best Practices in your relationship with your spouse.
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Aim for 15 minutes of deeper conversation each day, without distractions. Ask good questions and listen closely.
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Pray together each day.
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Schedule regular weekends to get away. Try once every three months.
- Do date nights where you get away for several hours every week.
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Work with other couples and family to share childcare.
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Find low-cost options that don’t stress your budget.
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Focus on times away that are fun, unstructured and relaxing, not filled with constant activities.
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Get outside help when you have unresolved conflict. You are not alone and your problems are not unique. Don’t be too proud to admit you need help.
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Practice small romantic gestures each week, not just on special holidays. Comments, cards and texts work!
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Let your spouse know about changes in your energy/desires/body. Understand what is behind them without shame.
- Divide family responsibilities so you and your spouse do what you are best at. Who best buys groceries, manages the budget, pays the bills, cooks, does yardwork?
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