All of us struggle with insecurities in life.  But I’m surprised at how many people I meet who are unaware of how these insecurities impact their daily life.  While I feel compassion for the past hurts that lead to these insecurities, I’m puzzled why anyone would allow them to continue to influence their life.  And I’m including myself in this group because I once ignored them too.

Like me, many of you have, over time, let your insecurities sabotage the abundant life Jesus calls you too while limiting the freedom you were created for.  So for our sake, let’s discuss this in more detail.

It’s easy to understand insecurities because we see them most clearly in others.  We see them struggle with insecurities around their self-worth, relationships, success/achievements, social acceptance, appearance, intelligence or abilities.  They fear being smart enough, attractive enough, liked enough, measuring up, interesting enough or fully accepted.  Yet we see the signs that inside they feel differently about themselves.

Everyone wants to be noticed, recognized, applauded and be accepted as part of the group.  And this isn’t Junior High School, but mature adults struggling with what’s going on inside of them

Many of us avoid doing, saying, exploring or growing because our underlying insecurity has such a hold on our beliefs.  But thankfully, there is a way out.  And ironically it comes from the one person we think would be the hardest to please.   God has a plan for putting to death your fears and insecurities.  It provides a growing confidence in Him and His working in your life.  And if you doubt it, here’s my example.

Exhibit A – Rejection

My early insecurities were focused on feelings of rejection.  Because of that I had low self-esteem, a tendency to pursue perfection in some areas, self-isolated and was often depressed or anxious.

There were some good reasons to feel that way.  We lived in an ugly house on a main street in a small town.  We weren’t well off.  My parents were not part of the community.

Bottom-line, I feared I couldn’t/wouldn’t measure up or wasn’t of any value.  I experienced some rejection at times and this forced me to come up with a coping strategy.  And that was to avoid situations where I couldn’t be rejected.  So I didn’t join clubs at school or feel comfortable with many others.  Instead I hung out with those who felt like me.  We were the rejects.  The shadow people who didn’t win all the awards.  Who didn’t show up in the school annual as an officer of some student organization.  And it didn’t have to be that way, looking back.

My focus on rejection led me to make many bad decisions. Decisions that often didn’t help me feel less rejected.  Instead they contributed to my feelings of rejection. And all of this fed into a growing anger which drove me to other bad behaviors and affected me for decades.  I was filled with resentment, distrust and deep in my heart I didn’t really like myself.

With some perspective, I can now look back and see that yes, there was some rejection from others, but I often exaggerated it and actually contributed to it by being rude to others. It worked like this.

I would walk around expecting some type of rejection from others.  Particularly those in authority or other students that I felt were better than me in some way.  It was like I had my radar turned up to the highest setting so that I was seeing things that were false positives.  And the result was that I could usually find some sort of rejection in the interactions I had.  Even when others had no intention of making me feel that way.  Here’s a classic example that I shouldn’t even remember, but I do because I thought I was being rejected.

A teacher in the 8th grade mentioned to me that my aptitude test scores looked good and that I should consider going to college.  Because of my feelings of inferiority I took her comments as implying that I would be lucky to get into college.  But that’s not what she was saying.  She was trying to encourage me but I twisted it to fit my insecurity.  So I resented her and felt I had to show her I was better than she thought.  Looking back I see my mistake and feel badly that I was rude to this teacher.  Sadly, this is only one of the many times when I’ve let my insecurities “reinterpret” the situation to fit my belief.

But I also did manipulative things to cope with my fear of rejection.

• I tried to be a people-pleaser hoping that others would not reject me.
• I tried achieving significant goals to feel better about myself.
• I tried to impress others so they would like me.
• I focused on perfection and over-achievement.
• I even plotted to get even and “show them” that they were wrong.

But despite my efforts to keep my radar turned up and try to be liked, I wasn’t getting free from this insecurity.  And now I know why.  I was focusing on others to fix my insecurity when it was something I needed to face.

Today I am free from most of the fears that fed my old insecurities. And I’m strongly aware of God’s love and how my fears have worked to steal joy and purpose.  I have some regrets that it took me so long to recognize my need to take responsibility for them, but I also realize that I’m not perfect and can be very stubborn.  During this process I’ve realized several important insights that I want to share with you. My prayer is that they will encourage you!

Lies Lead to Insecurities

We lie a lot to ourselves.  First we believe things that aren’t true and then we feel insecure.  Then we tell ourselves that our insecurities aren’t our responsibility.  We like to think that “it’s those people”, or “it’s the way I am”,  or “it’s not that bad” and or “it’s normal” or “I’m just an unlucky person” or “God doesn’t love me”, or “I just need to suffer for Jesus”.  Yet none of these are true.  The excuses are all about avoiding the truth and blaming God, others, life for my situation.  And by believing these lies, we stay trapped.  We are the one prisoner in the cell, who has a key hanging around our neck.  But we don’t see it and won’t use it.

For that reason we need to acknowledge what is behind our insecurities.  To identify the lies we tell ourselves.  In many cases we can go back in our history and see when these lies took root.  And know that we know we can replace them with the truth of God’s word.   How does this work?

In my case, when I feel rejected I know I need to first check my heart.  I ask myself some hard questions.

1. Am I really being rejected or just assuming that it is so?
2. Does this rejection really matter?  Does this person’s opinion hold any value?
3. Did I do anything unloving to created this situation?
4. Is this the other person’s issue and not mine?
5. Does God, whose opinion matters the most, still love, appreciate and accept me?

I know that God’s word tells me to love others even if they choose to reject me.  But I also realize I may be creating a sense of rejection when that wasn’t intended.  And that other’s opinions of me are not as important as how God feels about me.  And this approach to my insecurity brings truth into the situation and stops the power of the lie.

We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.
2nd Cor. 10:4-5

My Insecurities show my Self-centeredness

This insight took me by surprise.  One day I realized that my focus on being rejected was a way of focusing all of the attention on myself. Rather than focusing on others and loving them, I was more concerned with avoiding rejection and staying in control.  That sounded very selfish and self-centered and I had never thought of it that way.

For example, when I walked into a room, I didn’t ask “How can I be a blessing to others?”. Instead I asked “Who is going to reject me this time?” or “How do I impress these people?”. It was a very subtle way of keeping all of the attention on me by making myself a type of victim.  And it set me up for disappointment.  But even worse, it pushed God away.  Because God gets no glory from our insecurities but He gets all of the glory when we trust Him and refuse to let them rule our life.

But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying
James 3:14

Jesus didn’t die on the Cross so I could be more Insecure

God’s acceptance of us with all of our sin is a declaration that our insecurities are not an issue we should to focus on. Our focus should be on God’s goodness, kindness and promises to us.  And on showing the same to others around us.  Because in some ways, everyone is struggling with insecurities, even the people we think do not.

When we implement this in our lives it acknowledges God for who he is and places us in our rightful place as his beloved children.  Which then allows the powerful Holy Spirit to lead us, so that we are changed from the inside out.+

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.
Galatians 5:13

My Insecurities = Not trusting God

This is a hard one to admit. But when I allow my insecurities to guide how I act around others or how I choose to live then I’m not fully trusting God to live in me and bring new life. I’m not believing His promises fully but instead, relying on my own self-will and effort to deal with my fears.  I’m making other people my God and trying to get my love and acceptance from them.  And I am rejecting the grace of God which frees me from the tyranny of fears.  But there is good news because God doesn’t ever give up on me or you!

My Insecurities were a parking brake in my life

I’ve done this before. Left a parking brake on and tried to drive. The result is a lot of frustration, friction, heat and a stinky car.

And my insecurities do similar things in my life. They hold me back. They slow me down. They make me moody and irritable. They focus my attention away from God. They limit my boldness for God and my desire to bless others.
As long as my insecurities are acting out, I’m less of the person that God is calling me to be. I’m less loving, less trusting and less of an ambassador for Him.

My Insecurities lead to Conflict

When I look back at the conflicts I’ve had with others, it was often related to my fear of rejection. I would misinterpret others words (and actions) and then become angry and distant. I would try to do more than I could handle and become exhausted and frustrated with others. My fears led me to isolation, suspicion, and negative interpretation of others.

God wants replace my Insecurities with Trust

The Holy Spirit does a work of sanctification when he makes us like Jesus. As the Holy Spirit works in me, he will often use these steps.

1. Open my eyes to how unresolved insecurities are harming my life and witness
2. Convict me of the sin I am committing when I am controlled by my insecurities
3. Lead me to confessing my insecurities to both God and others so they can pray for me
4. Urging me to ask for forgiveness from God and others I’ve harmed
5. Revealing the lies that support my insecurities and replacing them with God’s word
6. Warning me when these insecurities are affecting me and helping me choose to be humble and ask for help
7. Opening my eyes to God’s constant goodness by delivering me day-by-day from a sinful past

God has a plan for my holiness and even now He is at work in in me (and you) to make you more like Him.  Someone who triumphs over their insecurities rather than living inside them.

So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.
Colossian 3:5

Friends don’t let friends live with their Insecurities.  – Rob

Questions to Ask Myself

1. What are my most common insecurities?
2. What is the earliest event that I can remember about them?
3. What underlying fear is being expressed in my insecurity?
4. Does my insecurity glorify God or put the focus on me?
5. How often does my insecurity hold me back from being a new creation in Christ?
6. If I were to ask others, what insecurities would they mention?
7. What would my life be like if my biggest insecurities had no power over me?

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
2nd Corinthians 5:17

Ready for some really deep thoughts about finding joy and glorifying God, try reading this (very slowly…).-