I’ve been highlighting approaches that we use in our marriage when we are in conflict or want to avoid conflict. Most of us have a preferred conflict approach that we like to use.  Some of these approaches are good to use, depending on the situation.  Accommodation is one of these. In fact, being accommodating can be an important part of a thriving relationship if we do it right.  That’s why we say that the “accommodating” approach during a marriage disagreement can either be a win-win or “lose-win” approach. Done wisely you and your spouse both win. Done badly you lose and your spouse wins at your expense.

Accommodation the Wrong Way

Like most husbands I prefer to avoid conflict with my spouse.  I’m smart enough to realize that if we get into conflict I will say or do something I regret.  So avoiding conflict is a good thing. But if my motive for accommodation lays the groundwork for a future conflict it’s a very bad idea. So when and how does it happen for me?

Sometimes Lou Ann asks me this type of question. “I need to do such and such, do you want to go along?” or “Do you mind doing such and such?“.  At that point I have several options on how to respond.  It could be:  Yes. No. Maybe, tell me more about it.

But there’s also a hidden option that I have available. It is a manipulative option that sounds like this. “Yes I will do what you ask but I  don’t want to do that right now. So I’m going to be a good person and do it anyway and since I’m doing you this favor, please note that I expect you to do the same for me in the future. If you don’t then I will resent this decision and be irritated with you“.

My accommodation in this situation is based on hidden motives.  I want to please my spouse but I am not being transparent about my needs or feelings.  It’s a manipulative approach because I’m trying to look good to her and at the same time checking the box that says “She owes me in the future”. So, all is good for a while.  Until I decide I’m being “used” or “taken for granted”. I then react with anger and fresh conflict begins because of my hidden expectations.

Accommodation and Christians

I want to pause here and address an issue that you may have seen. Many Christians think that using the “accommodation” style is ideal because it is “being like Jesus”. They assume that spiritual or godly people are always kind and rarely say “no” to a request because that might be unloving. But is this biblical?

A simple reading of the gospels shows that Jesus was never accommodating in a negative way. He was always sincere and open about what he wanted plus He never went along with others just to keep the peace. When he did things at other’s request, it was because He believed it was the thing that God had told Him to do. This is very different from being a full-time accommodator.

All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
Matthew 5:37

A good example from Jesus’s life is when his family came to get him because they decided he was out of line. For a culture where family relationships were valued, one would expect Him to agree to return home with them. But Jesus didn’t do that and you will notice the tension with his family that came from it. See Matthew 12:46-50 and John 7:2-9.

Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own town, among his relatives and in his own home.”
Mark 6:4

Now, let’s look a more complete definition of being “accommodating” and see how it works in your marriage.

What is the Accommodation style?

Accommodation is when we choose to set aside our personal needs to please others, to avoid conflict or to maintain a relationship.

When we are being Accommodating we are being very cooperative and very unassertive.  We are willingly giving up something for the sake of another.

Our motivations for being accommodating are complex but must be considered.  We might do it out of love. Or to manipulate someone. Or to maintain harmony. Or to build goodwill. Or because we fear someone. Or because we don’t care one way or another.

Good Times to be Accommodating

All of us are accommodating at times and that is a good thing. We are accommodating to those who are sick, frail, disabled, poor, elderly, or immature.  These situations are win-win for us and the other person.

We are also accommodating:

1. When we don’t have strong feelings or personal needs in the matter.
2. When we want to express love regardless.
3. When it will help us avoid physical injury or harm.
4. When we are in a situation where someone has the power of life or death over us.
5. When we know the Holy Spirit is leading us.
6. When we know that we are making the choice freely.

What is an example in your life where you accommodated for a win/win result?

Bad Times to be Accommodating

There are times when accommodation is definitely a “I lose, You Win” situation.

1. When the actions we are being asked to do would violate our integrity, our strongly-held beliefs, our values, or lead to harm of ourselves/others.
2. When the other person is demanding, manipulative or controlling.
3. When the other person is regularly breaking trust with us (infidelity, lying).
4. When someone lacks the authority or relational closeness to merit that request from us.
5. When the request conflicts with what the Holy Spirit or God’s word has clearly told us to do.
6. When we privately reserve the right in the future to demand payback for our choice to accommodate today.
7. When we feel we are unlovable and lack value, so we have no choice.
8. When we are only trying to be a people-pleaser.
9. When the other person is chronically critical of us to keep us submissive.

A great marriage relationship takes two “whole” people to thrive.  When we accommodate we are at risk of not showing up in the relationship and it is damaging to both people.

As you look at your important relationships, which of these types of accommodation might be occurring?

Accommodating in Marriage

By using the accommodating approach in marriage, each spouse tries to prioritize the needs of the other. The underlying motive is love, not duty, guilt or fear.

This is the right thing to do in spiritually healthy marriages. Marriages grounded in love, mutual respect and kindness.  Being accommodating in loving marriages has many benefits.

1. It honors our spouse.
2. It reduces unnecessary conflict.
3. It allows us to practice humility.
4. It creates mutual appreciation.
5. It expresses our love and appreciation.
6. It demonstrates the love of Jesus in a tangible way.
7. It allows us to value what our spouse values.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Ephesians 5:25

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Romans 15:7

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Colossians 3:19

The Dark Side of Accommodation

There can also be a dark side to accommodation in marriages. Particularly in marriages where accommodation is being demanded through power and control.

A classic case  is when a spouse demands accommodation with these types of threats.

1. As your spouse you must be submissive to me because of a specific scripture.
2. God has told me that I am to do this and you are not to interfere or question it.
3. If you disagree with me you are disagreeing with God (or scripture).
4. When you married me, you gave up the right to xxxxxxxxxxx.
5. If you want to be a good spouse you must always do this.
6. I’m the man of this house and my word is not to be questioned.
7. I have the freedom or privilege to do this and you cannot protest or express disagreement or concern.
8. You will lose your sexual/financial/security privileges if you resist my will.

The repeating theme here is the use of manipulation to control.  This manipulation demeans the other spouse, and is intended to push them to accommodate the demands.

Some spouses struggle with feelings of powerlessness and feeling unworthy. If you regularly struggle with these feelings or beliefs, you should seek other’s godly counsel.

There is help available.  Seek help from an independent person who can provide you biblical feedback .  If this is your situation, this will be hard to do and it will be easy to talk yourself out of it. Remember that the only wrong action is to do nothing in your situation.

Final Thoughts on Accommodation

Accommodation can either be a powerful tool in your relationships or create great harm. You should use accommodation when it leads to deeper relationships with others and your spouse. Guard yourself from being manipulated or manipulating others by examining your motives and that of others.

When manipulation is occurring, God’s word calls us to respond with a love that seeks godly change in the other person. Our responsibility is to honor God, love ourselves and love others while still resisting evil.

Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:31

I’ve covered other approaches to conflict. You can check these out. Competing in conflict.

Quotes about Accommodation

• To constitute a dispute there must be two parties. To understand it well, both parties and all the circumstances must be fully heard; and to accommodate the differences, temper and mutual forbearance are requisite. – George Washington
• God is not going to negotiate his holiness…in order to accommodate us. – R.C. Sproul
• “Accepting people as they are has the miraculous effect of helping them improve. Acceptance doesn’t prohibit growth, rather it fosters it.” – Marianne Williamson.
• “If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.” – Lecrae. 

Questions to Consider

1. What are the times when you’ve been accommodating but did it unwillingly?
2. What beliefs inspire you to be accommodating?
3. If you were more accommodating, where would it be?
4. If you were less accommodating, where would you start?