Boredom in Marriages Is a Fact
You see them. The couples, in public places, that look past each other most of the time. They sit silently in restaurants, checking their phones. There is no conversation. And in many cases have given up on trying to please each other or relate intimately.
When you get to know them, they lack an appreciation of each other. And they have a tendency to focus on maintaining the status quo. They are no longer lovers, but roommates, because they’ve given up on intimacy with each other.
Their interests are what they want to discuss with you. They rarely speak of their spouse or note something positive about them.
Between them they share surface level facts and emotions. They build their little silos of interests and pour themselves into them. It might be the kids or education or work or church or friendships or extended family or hobbies. The key indicator is that they don’t include their spouse in some way. And it’s ironic because the person who once made their heart dance and consumed their thoughts has become so uninteresting.
I think we all know this is concerning, right? It’s fine to get bored with some things (work, a book, a hobby) but boredom in marriage isn’t the sort of thing you just ignore. Because it is saying something about your spouse. And that makes it something important.
Why Boredom?
So why are humans prone to boredom? It’s an interesting question that I’ve wondered about.
Another writer notes that boredom is actually a modern idea. “Boredom as an idea is less than three centuries old. Presumably our distant ancestors were bored from time to time but didn’t think about it or talk about it. Most languages, including English, invented the word and the concept in the 18th century. It didn’t make its English literary debut until 1852, when Dickens described a character in Bleak House who suffered from the “chronic malady of boredom.” This implies that there are cultural influences as well.
Perhaps it is only when our basic needs are met that we have the leisure to allow boredom. When are lives are filled with frantic efforts to stay alive we don’t have time for wondering about our feelings as much. We are grateful for our spouse who helps “carry the load” of life, who supplements what we lack, we sticks close to us despite our prickly personality.
But I have another perspective based on what I see in scripture.
I think our boredom is a symptom of our “sin nature”. Something we received when we rebelled against God. And shows best in our natural sense of selfishness.
This is that ongoing selfishness that makes us the center of all that is important. And which reduces other people to being satellites, orbiting around our needs. These others, including our spouse, are less interesting than our interests and certainly less valuable than us. So we devalue them and set them aside.
But interestingly God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are not like us. Though we were made in their image we find that we are broken images in many ways.
When I read the Bible, I never see God, the Father (or Jesus), being bored with people. Happy with them. Angry at them. Frustrated with them. Rejoicing with them. Seeking them.
There are no indications that Jesus was ever bored with people or acted like he had lots of more important things to focus on. In fact, Jesus seems to find the most overlooked people worthy of special attention. The widow who gave all to the temple, the tax collector everyone hated, the blind men in Jericho, the one lame guy unable to get into the “miracle healing waters” of the pool of Bethesda.
He had time for the lepers, the left-behind, the rich, the poor and even the children. He seemed to find people endlessly interesting and worthy of his attention and time. Over and over we see that Jesus was never too busy to stop and ask a question or respond to a cry.
Try watching this one example of how Jesus was always seen proactively seeking out and pursuing people.
What Causes Boredom in Marriage?
So if we are in a boring marriage, what changed? Certainly God didn’t design and institute marriage to be a forced relationship of boredom! And you didn’t marry your spouse so you could work toward increasing boredom together. So what is happening in this important relationship? Here’s are some things I’ve noticed.
Often we are bored because we are always attracted to other shiny objects. That means that once we have “caught” our spouse we are on to the next pursuit (job, career, more money, more stuff, hobbies). This pursing shiny things happens a lot. We both refocus our attention to other things and downgrade our spouse’s value to us. And of all the relationships I have, the one I have with my spouse is the one that holds the greatest blessing, in store.
I’m also reminded of the saying “You are only bored when you are boring.” And I think there’s some truth there. When we stop investing in ourselves and our relationship with our spouse then we find ourselves in a boring marriage. But our lack of effort indicates we could be the cause, because we are coasting and being boring toward each other.
Or we think, “it’s not my job” or “it will take care of itself” and we don’t step up. I’ve struggled with that. My wife made clear early in our marriage, that it was my responsibility to plan activities that focused on our relationship and gave us opportunities to talk about something meaningful. It meant that I had to plan weekends away, date nights, romantic evenings, special gifts, “good” surprises and ask good questions. I was told to lead by being intentional. That helped us a lot.
Fighting Boredom in Marriage
I know this. At one time, your spouse was interesting to you or you wouldn’t be married today. Right? Yet…something changed. And if it is you and I, then what can we do to tackle the boredom?
- Review the things that you are interested in right now. Are they competing with your interest in your spouse? Is it a new hobby? A new possession that takes up your time? Is someone flirting with you at work or the gym? Are you looking for appreciation or validation or attention from others? Often, we are looking for “escapes” in life where we pursue a fantasy of happiness that is never going to fulfill us.
- Tell your spouse, “I feel like our relationship is becoming boring.”. Discuss to determine if the boredom is coming from stress or busyness or fatigue or emotional swings. Often they can see things that you might not have noticed. Temporary “blahs” are normal but when they linger, it’s a sign that something is not going well inside of us.
- Ask God to examine your heart and reveal more. The Holy Spirit is really good at this. Ask God to make you less boring and more willing to invest in your relationship with your spouse.
- Check to see if you are entertaining lies about your relationship. “We’ve known each other so long that there’s nothing we don’t know about each other.” That’s a common statement made by couples but it is rarely true. There is much we don’t know about each other but once we’ve quit trying it seems that way.
- Are you constantly watching a screen of some type? Try putting the phones away one evening a week or at a certain time each day. Then fill the time with conversation that matters.
- Deepen your conversations by moving away from exchanging facts. Instead start expressing hopes, dreams, wishes, interests, insights and other personal expressions. Get a list of good questions and ask them regularly. Here’s some examples that I have used.
- What are your biggest challenges right now?
- What is one dream you’ve been thinking about?
- What concerns you the most these days?
- Where do you want our life together to be in 5 years?
- What has God been speaking to you about?
- What do we need to stop doing, start doing or keep doing for our relationship?
- What are we settling for in our life together and what could we do together about it?
- What brings you the most joy in a typical week?
Your marriage is your most important human relationship, so don’t let boredom take up residence there. Be alert. Step up and tackle the boredom that might be affecting your relationship. As you take the initiative, God will work because He values your marriage relationship even more than you do.
Plus there are some good things about low-drama marriages.
Do I have a Boring Marriage? Here are some questions to ask yourself.
Let me know what you have found that has helped you conquer boredom in your marriage!
Thanks LouAnn and Rob for the insights shared in this weeks title ‘Boring Marriages’. We’ve all been there, are there, or on our way there. A little planning, concentration and energy goes a long way towards rising above the pit falls God would just as soon we avoid.