Canine Marriage Tips?

Growing up, one of my earliest memories is of the two Great Danes we had.  Sadly I thought they would make great horses and remember to trying ride them around the back yard.  Finally, my dad took pity on them and bought me an old horse that slept all day but saved the dogs from future back problems.

Dogs can capture your heart before you know it.

Of special note was a female standard red Dachshund which I received as a birthday gift on my 18th birthday.  Maggie, named after a Rod Stewart song, was my favorite.  She loved to burrow deep under the covers (after a bath).  Though I worried she would suffocate, she would gladly sleep there all night.  I cried a lot when she died.

Today I have an ongoing relationship with two dogs.  One is Hank, who is a yellow Labrador Retriever and who lives with my daughter in Houston, Texas.  No matter how long it has been since I’ve visited, Hank immediately recognizes me and wants to start a game of throwing/retrieving his bone.  He likes to come up and lean against my legs, to be close.  At the table he begs by laying his head on my knee.  It’s a warm reminder that he is there.  We are best buddies.

Hank

The other dog I’m close too is Toca, a Pomeranian, who lives with my other daughter in Shawnee Mission, Kansas.  Toca is friendly but distant as long as my daughter is around.  When she leaves, only then does he come and sit in my lap.  He’s a ferocious defender of the front door and loves to play tug-a-war with his toys.  He also loves snow and cold weather.

Toca

We could spend a lot of time exploring the relationship between dogs and humans.  My theory is that dogs are a gift to humans from a loving God.  And studies confirm that having a dog offers amazing benefits for human beings.  So what’s the connection to marriage? I hope to show that now, so keep reading.

Science shows that married people live longer and enjoy greater purpose and joy.  Committed couples find that the journey of life is easier together, even when they are very different.  And that leads me to my 5 Marriage Tips I’ve observed from Hank and Toca.  I hope these encourage you to find more!

Be Attentive to Each Other – Marriage Tip #1

In marriage, we struggle with taking each other for granted.  It’s sad how often we forget the attention we gave our spouse before marriage.  Many of us were obsessed and most of us built our life around this new person we had met.  But time passed and that same person gets passed up by faster cars on the highway.  We get busy with life, work, hobbies, kids, church and friends.  Which usually means that our spouse is way down the list of what we focus on.  And that’s sort of irrational, given their importance to our life.

Hank reminded me that we need to maintain our appreciation and excitement in the relationship.  We need to recognize the things we appreciate about each other.  We need to smile at each other and speak words of encouragement.  He is really good at expressing his appreciate and attentiveness.  I always notice him showing me lots of attention.  And we should be willing to do the same for our spouse who is the most important person in our life.

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

1st Peter 3:7

A good way to be attentive is to thank your spouse when they do something for you, even if it doesn’t seem special.  It keeps the attention on them.  It started several years ago when I began thanking my wife when I sat down for a meal.  I had realized that she spent an hour creating a healthy meal and then we consumed it in less than 15 minutes.  And I wondered if it seemed like a waste to her.

If that was me I would want some appreciation,   So I started recognizing it.  And then recognizing the many other she normally does around our home and in the family.  I find myself using the word “amazing”, a lot, when I describe her.  And she does the same in recognizing things she sees in me!

Live in the Present – Marriage Tip #2

Hank is not like me.  He is always glad to see me, even if it has only been a few hours.  He isn’t obsessed with the past or the future.  He is glad to live in the present and appreciate that time together.  Even if I don’t jump up and play with him, he doesn’t take it personally.

Plus I’ve noticed that he doesn’t keep a list of things I have failed at, in our relationship.  He has never made me feel that I was a disappointment to him.  Instead he focused on enjoying being together, even if we disagree on some things like when to play catch.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

1Corinthians 13:4-5

And I could learn something from that example.  I often am focused on planning for the future or maybe worrying about it.  And even worse, focusing on the things my spouse did that I felt offended by and building a list of issues she has.  I’m like a yo-yo moving between past, present and future.  And it shows in negative ways.  I could find more peace in my life if I would live in the present.  Worry less. Regret less. And forgive my spouse more quickly.   It would also help if I was more aware of how often I offend my spouse and devalue their presence, gifts, talents and love.  I need to remember that I create a lot of issues in their life too.  So Keeping things in the present along with “short accounts” would simplify my life and make everything better.

Be Alert for Danger to the Relationship – Marriage Tip #3

Hank and Toca are always watching for danger to our property or relationship.  And that’s a good example for me to remember.

Often danger comes not just from others who cause problems in our relationship.  Danger can also come from us ignoring less obvious dangers to our relationship.  Things like focusing too much on our hobbies, helping family or friends constantly, making our work a higher priority than our family, not taking care of our physical health, or letting addictions control our lives.  These are things that can start out as “good” things but over time can begin to be dangerous to the quality of our marriage relationship.

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.

1Co 16:13

Of course, when things occur like this, we are often defensive or deny that they are an issue.  But I strongly encourage you to not ignore these concerns from your spouse.  They might just be defending the relationship even if we think they are over doing it.

Spend Time Alone Together Regularly – Marriage Tip #4

I’ve never met a dog who didn’t enjoy a good walk or a ride in the car.  They just enjoy spending time together, even if it doesn’t seem to be very productive.  We don’t have to say a lot, just enjoy the outing.

In marriage, we need the same time.  But maybe you are like me.  I often feel the push to always be efficient with my time.  Yet pursuing time efficiency cannot come at a cost to my marriage intimacy.  The time we spend with our spouse, doing nothing of importance except talking or holding hands, is never wasted.  God made it clear in the beginning that “it is not good for us to be alone”.  That’s because God is relational and He knows that we humans need each other to maintain our sanity, our health, and our sense of value.

So, take a walk.  Take a drive.  Go to a park.  Sit on the porch with a glass.  Go fishing.  Sit down and ask some deeper questions to learn more about each other.  And realize that Hank would approve.

Snuggle and Touch Each Day – Marriage Tip #5

Hank and Toca are big on touching.  They like to be close.  And millions of people find that pet behavior important to their lives.  But while I love my grand-dogs, I would much rather be in a close hug with my spouse, holding her hand or snuggling on the couch.

If we have practiced the other four things above, then this touching behavior, with our spouse, seems very normal.  Because touching is more important than we realize.  Especially when it is not sexual.

In fact, practicing physical intimacy without it always leading to sex can be amazing.  This intimacy reduces any feelings of being used, having to perform.  We feel we are being appreciated and valued for who we are not just what we provide.  And there are many ways to experience intimacy without it always being a prelude to sex.  Here’s a good article to read.

So, when you walk by each other, when at home, touch each other.  Hug often.  Hold each other longer than a few seconds.  Lean against each other when on the couch.  Hold hands.  Put your arm around each other.  Don’t be embarrassed to show affection.  It’s a public statement that you are a couple.  And a great example to others.  And you will find that like God’s presence, you will feel a warmth and a growing depth in your relationship.

What About Marriage Tips from Cats?

So as I prepared this post, I wondered what we can learn from cats, because I like them too.  Sadly, I couldn’t find much that I would apply to my marriage.  So, I will let that idea go and stay with lessons from dogs!

Questions to Ponder

1. How comfortable are we with our level of private/public physical affection?
2. What offenses do I need to forgive my spouse for that I’m holding on to?
3. What is one tangible way I can show more appreciation each week?
4. How would we rate our snuggling and touching?  (Numb, Icy, Chilly, Lukewarm, Spicy, Cooking)
5. What’s a routine activity we can do together AND that we both enjoy?