One of the common situations in marriage is when we reach a point of boredom with each other.
The causes can be complicated. Maybe it is because we are too busy, overwhelmed, feeding some addictive behavior or just worn down by life.
Regardless, we don’t feel excited about being with each other and our conversations are more about trading information than sharing our hearts.
We offer facts but not feelings. Data but not dreams. And we tend to stay superficial through it all.
It’s clear we aren’t angry at each other, just feeling blah and struggling with it.
So what can we do? Here are several ideas.
First, we need to acknowledge our human nature likes to “take others for granted”.
Some of us are easily bored by routine and easily attracted to “shiny things” rather than spending time with our spouse. Squirrel?
I suppose this “taking others for granted” is a result of Adam and Eve’s sin. Why? Because God, who is perfect, never seems to get bored with us. So it appears to be a sinner problem.
Much of our boredom flows out of our self-centered behavior and the lack of effort to invest in connecting with our spouse.
But that’s a threat and our boredom needs to be replaced or it will build an island of isolation in our marriage.
At this point, many blog posts would proceed to list “21 Things to Overcome Marriage Blahs!”. But you deserve better than that, so let’s move forward with simple ideas.
Confess your boredom to God. Ask for His help. Schedule a good time to discuss the topic with your spouse. Be sure to not hand out blame for the situation, or you will find yourself in a worse situation!
Second, we need to be reminded of the value our marriage relationship has before God.
Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14
So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Matthew 19:6
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:28
(I’m going to go out on a limb and interpret Proverbs 19:14 to also mean that “a prudent husband is from the Lord”. Perhaps if Solomon had been a woman, she would have written the proverb about men.)
It’s clear that marriage is important to God. And why not? It’s the plan for his son, Jesus. And notice Jesus showed the ultimate commitment for marriage by dying to make it possible.
Since it is a high priority to God, we need to be intentional and not let our human nature create problems. That should mean that we choose to “act our way into an emotion” by being intentional. Rather than being led by emotion, we are choosing to be led by truth.
Our relationships tend to be most boring, when we are.
(Deep Thoughts by Rob)
Third, learn to ask your spouse great questions.
I’ve been learning that great questions are a lifeline in relationships. It doesn’t matter if you create them or borrow them from others. There’s nothing like a great question to kick relational boredom out the door. And there are times when having other couples there makes it even more impactful. That’s why I always provide several questions to discuss with your spouse in these posts.
Years ago, we did a class based on a book called “Fall in Love, Stay in Love“, by Dr. Willard Harley. One of the recommendations he had was simple but profound.
When you first met, what social activities did you most enjoy together? That’s a good place to start, if you want to fall in love again. – Dr. Harley
So think back to what you once did and recapture that, if you can. It will take leadership and intentionality if you want to make progress. Remember, marriage isn’t for wimps.
This same complacency, in an important relationship, isn’t just a threat in marriages. I can also happen between us and God.
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.
Revelation 2:4-5 NIV
God has called you to Him and called us to each other so that we will be blessed (and glorify Him).
Here are several questions you can use this week!
1. If we had never met, where do you think you would be in life now?
2. What is one thing we’ve talked/dreamed about doing together, but always put on hold?
3. When did you know that I “was the one”?
4. What scripture did you read this morning and what did it mean to you? What will you do with it?
Visit our Question4US page on our website for other great questions. You can click on the arrows to scroll through them and find one you like!